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Old 11-19-2012, 12:40 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,918

Sure -- I'll try to clarify.

What does "he did not speak to his willingness" mean? If he agreed to certain things, and then went back on his word and put up more restrictions, then what would "speaking to his willingness" have looked like, exactly? I find this phrase confusing.
It means when he made the agreement to Open, he made the agreement without really being willing to go there for his own self.

Say Person A agrees like...
  • "Ok, *I* don't really want to but I'll do it for your sake" (speaking to lack of assertion of own boundaries? People pleaser type?)
  • "I don't really want to but I will because I am afraid to lose you" (speaking to fear of breaking up?)
  • "I don't really want to but I'm going to because I am afraid to be alone" (speaking to fear of lonely?)

or whatever the reason might be. (And rarely is it stated that clearly either when it gets stated!)

None of those things is speaking to willingness. It is not making the decision from a place of speaking to willingness to go there of your own desire. It is not something that does speak to willingness like...
  • "That sounds great! I want to learn to do that with you because I would LOVE to do that with you and sounds like something that I would enjoy participating in for myself. With or without you that sounds awesome, and I'd totally do it for myself. With you it is just even better. Yay!"

When you do things you are not really willing to do? Then later if something happens that he does not like or is unhappy with... well... why didn't he just speak to his willingness from the get go?

Just spit it out:
"NO. I am not willing to do that because then I might have to deal with X and I don't want to deal with X. I am just not willing to participate in this."
Can't go there and complain about X if it turns up, and not liking it and feeling yucky about it when you went there against your own willingness. Who was holding gun to your head? Are you in control of yourself or not?

It is different than saying "I am not sure I am going to like it, but I AM willing to try it on and then decide how it fits for me after giving it a good effort. I know what I am getting me into. I am still willing to try."

Then when X happens, or when time is up you can say "Well, now that I am here and I see this is what it actually takes first hand, I am changing my mind about continuing to participate in this. But I came here of my own volition. It's nothing you did and I'm not blaming you for anything. Thanks for letting me play. But I have to bow out."

Everyone can change their mind on things, but Person B was speaking to their willingness and owning it.

The DH seems like he was speaking to his fear, not his willingness. And there came the mess... from bad to worse.

I think you should explain what you mean by that. Not many people I know use the same lingo you do. As far as I know, a closed relationship of two people is called monogamy, or a monogamous dyad. And that is what AC's husband would prefer. IIRC, he has only ever been with AC.
A "closed polyship of 2?" To me it means the polyship is closed to adding on new people right now. It could be a closed polyship of 3, 4, 5. Whatever # that group of people is at right now. But the players are at saturation point right now, so they want no new people. The option is on the table but the players choose not to exercise it right now. The players might go to poly events, talk about poly books, do poly STUFF, but they aren't going to be dating and adding on to the group at this time.

It is different to me than a "monogamy" because it that closed to the 2 players only AND the expectation is that there will be no Opening ever. It is just not on the table at all. It is also not likely to be participating in any kind poly stuff anywhere in the picture -- including making space to allow the poly person expression of poly thoughts/feelings to the person they are married to. Which kills emotional intimacy and creates all kinds of problems in the marriage if it turns out to be a marriage between a monoamorous person and a polyamorous person and the poly person came into their "poly-awareness" AFTER the marriage. It can be hard to reconcile.

Hope that helps to clarify.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-19-2012 at 01:04 AM.
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