It sounds like she has an utter lack of compassion for your feelings. From that place, there's really no way to salvage the relationship. It also sounds like she was never willing to support you doing the things you want, while expecting you to support the things she wants.
That being said, she is correct that you are not allowed to tell her what to do.
I can understand her need to seek D/s outside the relationship. We're much the same way. We have a very caring, compassionate relationship. When my husband wants to be dominated, he wants it to be raw and hard. He's not into "the compassionate Dom," he wants someone who will treat him like an object. I'm just not capable of that.
But THAT being said, he would never seek that out if I was horribly uncomfortable with it. He would give me time to adjust. And I would never say "You can not do that" I would say "I'm really struggling with this right now. Can you wait a bit and let me get used to the idea?"
So bottom line, it sounds like she isn't interested in you and your feelings. When asked to slow down, she just left. That doesn't leave anything to work with from a relationship perspective.
I am who I am. I don't need labels to define me. They're sticky, and I hate the glue they leave behind.