ON BEING RESILIENT AND HANG TIME
College friend is feeling better. She weathered the internal storm, made some concrete plans, and checked in to tell me the plans. I told her I was proud of of her and wished her luck as she takes a stab at the new changes. Hopefully she will come to find that regardless of outcome, she CAN handle things and make choices. Thus become more resilient.
And more confident in herself handling things in Life. Start with the small stuff that seems more doable first then be willing to stretch and grow and raise the bar a bit. Good challenges. Strive for practice, development of a skill, betterment in execution, progress made. That good stuff.
And side benefit? More self esteem. To increase your own self esteem? You do esteem-able things. Making choices, and choosing well and coming to find you can HANDLE whatever it is? That's certainly something to take a pride in and certainly something esteem-able.
(Meta: God. Sometimes I feel like I'm just channeling CRONE. )
I tried to explain to her how I deal with it, but what works for me to pull a “phoenix-rising-from-ashes” moment off may not be her style. She's actually got to work it out for herself. I told her to decide something, anything, and see it to the end. It's fine if it isn't the end all be all thing, but it is SOMETHING. One baby step FORWARD is better than staying still in quagmire. Move it!
Worry about fine tuning direction later, just “out of stuck-ness” is good enough for now!
Abused Friend (I need to rename her at some point since she's left abuse and transforming... hrm) took me out for coffee. She told me she's feeling better in general and things since the last drama-fest from estranged husband have been dead silent. She's actually enjoying being on her own and has realized she's happier without him.
DH pointed out to me later in the shower that while they separated in late summer, this is the first week she's been without him -- like ZERO contact. For days on end. QUIET. Before it was email or phone witter every moment several times a day so she really couldn't actually experience quiet “being free of him-ness” til now. His was making himself felt EVERYWHERE before via phone, email, in person, etc.
That made sense to me. Because she confessed that initially she thought they could repair and get back together but now she's finding she is happier on her own. Sad, moving through grief stages, but not a wreck. She's got worries about future, but she's coping.
I nodded and just accepted whatever she wanted to share and praised wherever I could praise -- she's holding her new job, schoolwork, socializing, attending support group, etc. May not be the end all be all, but def baby steps forward and moving toward less stinky!
I will have to admit there's a large part of me that is breathing "Oh, thank heaven!" because then I don't have to endure too much more drama at her side and fretting about her safety. It's not over til it is over, but I can allow myself a small breather and hope there is no more drama ahead.
There's the “minutia and tedium of splitting up stuff-ness” to come still, but that's hopefully not going to drag on forever. (Another part of me wonders if this is another estranged husband tactic -- like she cannot move a divorce forward if he's just "unreachable" or something. And he IS going to drag it on forever. But she's pretty realistic about that possibility.)
That was all on the 15th. Today? I hung out with three friends for brunch. We stayed there yammering for 4.5 hours! Clearly there was a lot of catching up to do! It was another kind of panty show. I'm not willing to show my panties to everyone but with certain friends sure – worries about eldercare, my own health, the kid and her development. Things with me and spouse are good, but worries about my plumbing and repairs costs. The others had panty shows like worries about dating or health or employment or dating and retirement planning and a lawyer need for estate stuff.
All of these friends have hopefully come through their personal hoo-has this week, clocked some baby steps forward, and thus have also clocked some notches on their "I can handle my shit, I am resilient" yardstick.
My circle of friends is changing this year. I know part of it is me – I've been changing my talk to more formal communication with DH. Bucket check ins just rub off on others people. I've also just been more willing to get all up in people's stuff. Not rude but just inquire. So. How ARE you? Really. You. Not a platitude. Not a hi/bye type greeting. But seriously. I care to know. How are YOU?
And just listening. I know I'm good at talking. I like to yammer. Not as much as my mother or my kid but I do love to talk. I'm trying to see how good I am at listening and processing and learning from others and their experiences.
When I look within, I'm pretty resilient. I don't love crisis. I don't love having to endure and put up with wacko needlessly. But if I find myself in crisis and I have to endure whatever it is -- well, bring it. Hang Time at the Forge!
In Tarot, call it the Hanged Man card.
Been there. Done that. Many times before. Though with familiarity, it doesn't bother me. I welcome Hang Time. The tiny moment of stillness in a pendulum swing before things go back the other direction. Acceptance. I took it as far as possible for now. So it's not my problem any more until it is my problem again. Suspension.
Having DH around helps in those times. So do friends -- steam valve conversations to let go of some pressure.
How I talk to myself inside my head helps -- I don't really spend a lot of time feeding the black dog. It's more like
"ALRIGHT! FINE! It is what it is right now! So how to best get me OUT of this and into a better space? Breathe. Still yourself. LISTEN. Then decide and do. You know the drill. Let's go! On with the process. It is hang time now so bloody well HANG and just choose to HANG ON bloody well."
Let soul squirm and do what it has to freakin' DO. It doesn't speak loud of often but when the soul bucket is choosing to speak up, LISTEN.
Crisis is a MOMENT of coming change. The critical crux, the turning point.
Life is constant changes big and small. So WHAT if I am in crisis? Face it and choose to learn to cope.
Meta: Amused. When DH first met me I was such an angry young woman that when face with other people's suffering I could only listen but so much before I'd get annoyed and go “Wah! My pussy hurts!” So “face it and choose to learn to cope.” sounds so much nicer to me than the old me but the me is still me.
I've lived long enough to know when soul bucket runs dry, best to fill it up then. One tends to one's spiritual health just like any other bucket and the means by which you do it? That's also up to you. But don't get caught in crisis with a bone dry soul bucket. If you do? Fill it up first so you can be sustained in a Hang Time.
My kid has that CD in the car with Eric Bibb on it. It happened to come on. It fit really well today with the idea of being resilient and bouncing back.
Just Keep Goin' On.
Just keep goin' on
Just keep goin' on
Just keep goin' on
Just keep goin' on
Take every knock as a boost
And every stumbling block as a stepping stone
Lift up your head and hold your own
Just keep goin' on
I say to every young woman
Also to every young man
Sometimes you get discouraged
Don't stop and wring your hands
Your privilege cannot be taken
Your rights cannot be banned
If someone like me can make it
I know you can