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Old 11-18-2012, 06:38 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

I have a long history with 'forgiveness' and lack thereof. I had quite a few horrific things happen in my childhood.

I was very fortunate to have an experience with one person who perpetrated some of the horror. He was in town, and asked to have dinner with me. I had made up my mind that the relationship could not go on with out me bringing up to him that I recalled it as horror. To my endless surprise, he brought it up first. We had a wonderful discussion. He apologized, before I asked. He said 'what do you want from me?' I said I would have wanted it not to happen, but given that we couldn't have that, I wanted apology, which he had already given. (basically, GG's scenario)

It was the only conversation I had like regarding events from childhood, so I was (and remain) very grateful that it was the first one. The rest of them were not as pleasant, and most of them will never even get to happen.

'I'm sorry you feel hurt' and 'I'm sorry you got hurt' are radically different statements than 'I'm sorry I hurt you' or even, 'I'm sorry that I did X, and that you feel hurt because I did that.'

I guess I've never had an expectation that anyone would ask forgiveness, so I don't include it when thinking of such events.

I guess I view forgiveness as mine to give or withhold, and I am the sole decision maker about it ~ to me it's irrelevant whether one asks or not. The hurt is mine to choose, or give up (it's FOR-giving). I'm the only one who hurts by not giving it. (that said, I have withheld it) (also there is the importance difference between forgiving and forgetting. I forgave, but I did not forget, because I was not willing to allow it to happen again.)
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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