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Old 11-18-2012, 05:07 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467
Default unfair long distance rules?...

I'm in a long distance poly relationship with my GF, where I switch between the US and the UK every 3 months. I've just finished a wonderful stay in the US. While I was there, my GF got hot and heavy with a guy over text/IM and was heading towards sleeping with him once I returned home. Last time I went home to the UK, she dated heavily, very quickly, which caused a lot of strain. This memory, plus her impending sex with hot and heavy guy, led to me suggest a guideline - we agreed that when I got home, we'd put off dating for a couple of weeks, to give us time to adjust to being apart before adding other people to the mix.

So, I have been back in the UK for three nights. The first night I was away, she went online to talk to hot and heavy guy. He apparently did something to annoy her and may now be off the cards. She said that she didn't know if it was the right thing to talk to him, but needed a distraction from missing me. I was minorly upset but understood and moved on... The second night, she went into an online sex game we play (similar to Second Life) and met up with a guy who had emailed her previously. I was a bit more uncomfortable, talked to her, moved on... Tonight, she told me that she went into the game to meet the guy again, then 'jumped' her husband and had unusually hot sex with him. (i.e. chat with game guy had wound her up). She's also been emailing back and forth with a guy who lives locally and is really into him.

For some reason, it really upset me this time and I don't know why. I know she turns to sex/flirtation/attention when she's down. She has no platonic friends - whereas I do. I've seen friends since I got home - she says that chatting to these guys is her way of getting a friend to distract her from missing me. She also left messages from guys unanswered when I was there and basically focused on me.

We've talked a lot recently about how to do 'the right poly thing'. What is considerate? What is rude? What is supportive? What is oppressive? To her, being inconsiderate would be sleeping with hot and heavy guy, cybersexing with game guy and going on a date with local guy, during these first two weeks. Talking and flirting shouldn't be a problem. To me - the method she's chosen to ease her pain increases mine. That's not helping each other; it's only helping ourselves. I would really love some outside opinions to help me navigate this in my mind. I truly to not want to be unreasonable and perhaps expecting her not to flirt with others when her evenings are now so empty is too much to ask.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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