View Single Post
  #8  
Old 11-17-2012, 09:46 PM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Default

well, so thank you all, I thought I'd offer an update since this is a nice ending of the situation and it's allways nice to see how we people can go through the difficulties.
Specially this forum is like the life learnings you don't find so easily anywhere else.

Basically after two days to let things cool down he came to me with the intention to talk about everything, he came with a written down list of points he wanted to discuss.

I sat down and started to write my anwers to each 8 of them in a paper, just so I was as prepared to discuss anything further with him.

He thought it wasn't necessary I'd prepare myself like him, since it was his part the hurt one, to which I totall disagreed and so he respected my point and let me carry on.

So then we sat down in the bed and I started explaining my answer to each of his points (3 lines long points).

After my answer to each point we agreed on him giving me an answer to what I've said.

We had moments in which we were angry and furious, cried, etc.
But by the end of it we were both so happy... it was amazing.

First to clarify the original big point of my first post, of when he said I hurt his feelings by the way of communicating and I felt terrible about it,
well in the end that was half a misundestarding half me not being a very good communicator then another part his own input.
He thought that when I was explaining how things felt for me on the second time I hooked up, he thought I meant I was saying "hey things are going to be like that from now on, accept it".
When to me I was just explaining to him why it was important for me to have done it, but it came across a different way.
I think back then to the time of my original post there was a lot of not very good communication and a lot of sensitive feelings.

then on real agreements and so on that happened on this second time we talked...
we agreed on me giving him some time out for the moment in which I am not giving him the new that I hooked up with somebody while he is still processing info, he doesn't think he needs so much time, but I think for what he said is something like a couple of weeks.

I've asked what's the frequency he feels is too much and so on, he says he feels weird about that question, that this is sth he can't answer coz what would be the sense in saying 3 weeks for example and me just waiting for this 3 weeks to pass.
So he gives me enough trust in this sense and just expects me to not make him feel abandonded or like there is a sudden change in how things feel in our relationship.

Talking about frequency we've talked about that because we live in the same city, and temporaly he lives in my house, and since I am going to limit my frequency in order to don't change how things are in our relationship, then that doesn't apply if he goes abroad for a month and he meets someone else he can see everyday during that month;
we agreed it's gonna make no sense I limit him already now on hooking up on a similar frequence to mine if contexts are different. I will have to trust him on that one and that's it.

Then I've made a big compromise on one point,
since he doesn't go out since this two years and a half, and doesn't meet much people outside his circle, which ends up being my circle too,
I will erase the limit on no hook up with friends, more precisely his friends and close people who are friends with me from hanging out together with my boyfriend.

This limit was set coz we were afraid that we were afraid of what could happen if there was already a friendship bond and then the hooking up with somebody. We perceived it as threatening greatly our relationship than if it was just somebody we met recently, aswell with both knowing the person looked more scary.

But now, at least from my part I'm up to try to go through this fear so he can have the same experience.
I mean, he would too go through this fear, but my circles of people are full of people he doesn't know, so I don't think I would choose to hook up with people in his circles.
Then to all that there is a lot of trust implied on the question of how close and familiar this friends will be.

I explained I am not having oral sex with this person without barriers because of HPV fear, and that we could investigate more about it together, since this isn't a precaution he ever has seen necessary. But he will apply in equanimity.

Can anybody recommend some good websites on HPV prevention and others?

Then he has asked me to tell him if my feelings change towards the person I hooked up with, and I think he means if I fall in love or if I want to pursue a different relation with this person.
Because I don't think is worth the time explaining how my feelings evolve everytime I see this person if it's not that different from a greater closeness, friendship and complicity with this person, if it keeps concurring, from how I see things now.

I'm probably missing out other interesting agreements, but that's it for the moment.

I thought it could be as useful to contrast different solutions as it has been to me reading other people's posts.

To finish, well I am very proud of the ammount of acceptance and understanding he has put through, it has brought me closer to him.

I just hope it brings him closer aswell when he can do the same I did.
At the moment he says that he can't help feeling a bit distant from me, but he hopes it goes in two days, for the general we are very happy together again. And I try to make sure he understands how much I appreciate and how worth it is what he has done to go through this.
It has somehow leveled up for me how I feel towards him, as deffinetly a life partner in this sense.

Can't help feeling very happy about it all.

Last edited by deadstars; 11-17-2012 at 11:05 PM.
Reply With Quote