I just wrote a long post, and, forgetting that I should copy/save it before i hit submit - i lost it.
ah well. I guess i will shorten this one in that case.
I cannot get over the partner that i left almost three years ago (J). there is bad blood between him and my current partner and best friend (Z) because of how the breakup mine/Z's subsequent hookup went down, but things have mostly settled. they don't talk, though. just quiet, chilled avoidance, mostly on J's part.
I love Z dearly and appreciate the depth and quality of our friend/relationship. Although he is mostly mono (perhaps quietly weighing the whole poly thing for himself), he has stood by me as i spread my wings and began exploring poly for myself. We have built something GOOD together over the past few years, and he knows that loving more than one person is a fundamental part of who i am - not something i can just pick up or put down at will.
J and i have reconciled a cool friendship of sorts, but he mostly avoids me as well. it is too difficult for us to simply be platonic friends - we each feel much more than that for the other.
although i've chosen to live a poly life and have a close relationship with Z, i cannot get J OUT of me - heart, mind, soul. i could not choose ONE of them OVER the other.
if i could be with both of them, i would. in a heartbeat. HAPPILY.
i want to tell them both this, but i'm afraid i'd just drive wedges between myself and each of them, and widen the chasm that already exists between them. i know exactly what i want, and EYE think it could be an awesome and very beneficial and pleasurable thing for ALL three of us....but hey - that's what EYE think. i think they'd look at me like i was an effing lunatic.
i feel like i'm beating a dead horse. i surely don't want to hurt either one of them.
What Would You Do? any advice?
do i write them the exact same letter explaining everything in my heart, sell all my stuff, and move halfway across the country?
do i tell them and let the chips fall where they may, and decide how to proceed after that?
i have to admit that i'm afraid of losing either/both of them (beyond the degree to which i already have).