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Old 11-16-2012, 10:16 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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I don't know what the deal is with Ella. I jumped into the relationship rashly. This was while Grotto and her were still together, towards the end of one of my fleeting visits home.

Why did I ask her to be my girlfriend? A mixture of spontaneity, wanting to be welcoming, and wanting to get to know her better, to be there for her independently, not just via-Grotto. She gave me her hat. At the time, that was enough.

Her attitude to romance (unreserved, spreading arms out wide, "let's do this") begged me to reciprocate. Thing is, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

One of the issues I've identified is that I'm not desperately drawn to her sexually. We have good sex, but I don't need it. It's interesting, Grotto felt a similar thing (he said they had "no spark") and is why they broke up. I don't feel the spark either, but I get a sense that Ella and I are sparking past each other, something is lost in translation, and I'm curious to continue, if she is open to it.

My last visit brought up a whole lot of shit around this, and I wrote her a lengthy e-mail at the time unpacking my thoughts. So far (after about a month) she hasn't replied, and I guess I feel a bit off-the-hook about it. We've chatted occasionally, Skyped once, but nothing directly on how she feels about how I feel. I told her she could take her time, and I didn't want to put pressure on her. But I reckon it's time for a direct "what's the deal, yo?"

I have generally eschewed labels on relationships. But this long-distance undefined thing is surprisingly draining. I care about her and don't want to be a bad thing in her life. I'm fairly good at adjusting my own position vis-a-vis another person in order for them to not be a bad thing in my life... but I don't want to use anyone.

Ella and I talk in very different ways. She doesn't mind thinking in terms of duty and responsibility. Giving people what they're "owed". I act more on my feelings in a situation. I give because I want to give. I do take time to contemplate morals, duties etc, in general, but in a particular situation it boils down to my gut feeling, I think.

Point being, we have much to learn about each other.

I was reading some things yesterday about Boston marriages / romantic friendships. Made me think about my own proclivities. Much as I love good sex, I love it in the context of touch and conversation and mutual support and helping each other grow good things (in the main). The raw animalistic pleasure of sex catches me beautifully with some people, but it's not something I seek out. And it has to work with the rest of my life. Fucking all the time is like ice cream all the time - I don't want it. Decadence is a sometimes food.

I met someone recently who had an image of Ganesh on his wall. He said it was "to remove barriers to pleasure". I wasn't attracted to him, and I was ok with that non-attraction, but it made me consider the barriers I may put up to pleasure. Puritanism/guilt associated with my Catholic upbringing? I dunno. Much of what turns me on in the world is offering myself up in useful ways, whatever that may be. Being the best me. Being just the thing someone needs. Or being by myself, or somewhere else, if you don't need me.
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