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Old 11-16-2012, 08:27 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default If you honestly talked about it beforehand

There really isn't any reason you should feel responsible for hurting him. Because if there was open and honest communication, you both agreed what was acceptable behavior, and you stayed within those bounds then it was he who hurt himself.

It's not fair play to tell your spouse or lover that it's OK to do something and then after the fact decide it is not. It's unfair because for a caring partner it is hard to let go of guilt that may be directly related to your behavior when the problem is your partner either cannot communicate well or doesn't honestly know himself, but then again there is a tendency for some people to try and take the easy route and ignore, deny and pretend that obstacles in your relationship aren't really there.

And it usually makes things worse

That hurt that gets ignored will end up being spilled into something else and you'll probably notice his reactions to something else will seem way out of proportion because that hurt doesn't go away just because he doesn't want to address the issue. Although please remember when you get advice at forums like these, the advice is based upon many assumptions. I am assuming that you and your partner feel comfortable talking openly and honestly and that neither of you feel inhibited or that there are some things you can't say to each other. While saying things to hurt should be avoided, when it comes to speaking truthfully about your feelings you should be familiar enough with each other that you both can handle anything said when it is said from the heart with honesty.

That is not always easy to do. But every emotion you feel you should be able to discuss it, but be advised that each of you have to be able to honestly recognize those feelings for what they are because most of US find at least a feeling or two that isn't exactly a pleasure to deal with so we take the easy route and pretend the feeling stems from something it is not. Instead of dealing with our thoughts of jealousy we find something else to be upset about (for instance the thought, "I am not jealous, I am mad because it's only been two weeks in between")

I am not saying it's right or wrong to establish whatever rules work for you, because the only people who should have any say in those things is you and the people involved. Just know that a good warning sign is when you find yourself not being able to talk about something you genuinely feel because it will hurt your partner. Because if you are not just being mean, you shouldn't have to worry about honest emotions hurting him. If you truly desire a close intimate relationships with your boyfriend, he needs to be able to handle the way you honestly feel.

This is just in general, there are people who have successful relationships with more than one lover because they agree let each other do whatever they want just don't tell me about it. My mind doesn't work that way, but what doesn't work for me, others may find employing don't ask don't tell is the system that works for them. Don't be afraid of finding a very creative way (that is consented to anyway) that works for you and those immediately involved. The whole world could make any claim the want to and it doesn't matter, it only matters to you and your boyfriend and any other person you choose to let in, it doesn't have to be right for anybody else, although society would like you to not believe that, it doesn't make it not true.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 11-16-2012 at 08:44 PM.
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