It was about this time that my sex life with my husband started deteriorating for various reasons including health problems. I started feeling worse and worse about myself, convinced that it had to be my fault that it was happening. My weight gain and everything had to be why, he was losing interest. And our other problems started coming out as well, possibly compounded because of the fact that there was so little attention in the bedroom.
Though I did later find out that he had been lying for a couple years about how attractive he thought I was, because he didn't want to hurt my feelings, the lack of physical intimacy showed it had been taking place of some other things over the years.
During the time of figuring this out however, I found myself going more towards things that I hadn't before. As an online rper, this means I roleplay characters, much like writing a story with more then one person in the story. And as a nympho, I crave sexual and sensual stimulation. I ended up finding a community that sort of combined the two. Now I have been rping stories for a long time that included sexual encounters, they can be very good and certainly arousing but they were not things that I necessarily sought out. At least until I reached that point of needing something to replace the physical intimacy and in a way I found it at the site that I gravitated to.
However, that only worked for a time. The flaws and problems in my marriage were still there, the needs that went unfulfilled still weren't as the activities of my online life didn't replace the need to feel cared for and wanted. The entire time I tried also to solve things in my marriage, talk to my husband, explore solutions and do what we can on the limited budget we have available.
Unfortunately, tho my husband still loves me and always assured me that he did, I just didn't feel it. Part of this is because while my husband is a good person, kind and caring, he's emotionally... muted. It takes a lot for him to feel any emotion in larger quantities. And expressing that even then is just not how he is. I didn't really realize that for a time since physical intimacy can create an emotional one.
I'm not sure if it was because of those problems and trying to find a way to feel a connection again, or because the relationship I developed with him lead to genuine feelings, but I started to have deep feelings for a friend I became incredibly close to that I made on that site. I suspect there was some of both in the mix, but this person is a very strict believer in a proper monogamous lifestyle and ended up feeling conflicted for feelings he developed for me since I am married. I actually did not know of this for a long while and it lead to a lot of emotional turmoil.
Honestly for a while, I was in a very dark place. My marriage felt like it was crumbling around me, divorce had been brought up several times because my husband felt like he could not do well enough by me, and all of this only served to aggravate my depression. I reached perhaps an all new low that I barely managed to control. However, no matter what was going on, whenever I asked myself, 'Do I still love him?' the answer was a resounding yes. Even when I wondered if he still loved me, if he cared for me, I still loved him deeply and still do. That's part of why I fell so deep.
Throughout all of this, I ended up meeting more individuals from this site. None I really felt much for beyond that of friendship, but they've become wonderful supportive friends from all walks of life. And it was through one of these friends I really started learning about polyamory.
Him and his wife have always been polyamorous, just not actively. But recently he developed feelings for another woman, and of course, his wife who encouraged such a thing was fine with it. During the developing of figuring things out and such, he shared with me the steps and feelings and such that went along with it.
During a good portion of the later turmoil, I had also met another individual, someone sweet and kind and passionate. Someone who I had an immediate attraction towards, but I tried to limit it only to friendship and the playtime that occurred online, was kept as a separate idea. We developed a deep bond as this person and I spoke everyday, shared our pains and thoughts, ideas and ideals and found that although we come from situations that could be considered so vastly different we're very alike in so many ways. She did not hide the fact she was happy to speak to me, her passion was tangible even through text and I felt I didn't have to limit the love and caring that I have for those I care for. So used to the fact that it is socially unacceptable to be outwardly affectionate in large amounts, always told it was wrong to be expressive and so much more, she not only accepted it but encouraged it in me. I have to say, I have not felt so much like -myself- as I do now in so many years, only one person that I associate with today can remember the person I was back then. She also saved me from that darkness. I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for her.
Anyways, a situation lead me to realizing that I love her. As a friend, as deeply as one would family. I'm not entirely sure that I would say I'm in love with her, but I'm not afraid to explore that possibility. And with that realization, made my already growing curiousity about polyamory fully spark into a need to know. Was it possible I cared for her romantically and my husband at the same time? Is it possible and not wrong? So I started reading more and more about it and seeing that yes, it's not only possible that for some people it can be so very right... I decided to speak to my husband.
Now, some might think all of our problems would leave him and I on bad terms. Quite the contrary, rather. Despite the arguments and fights that occurred because of seeking something that didn't seem to be there, we didn't ever come close to hating each other. And always, always I will tell him what is on my mind.
Prior to this we had, had a couple discussions about me going and having sex with other guys due to the lack of sex in our relationship, his idea, but I need an emotional bond -first- before I can find myself sexually attracted to another. He was also not entirely certain of the idea. But because of that it might not be a surprise that talking to him about polyamory brought up no negative feelings for him.
He didn't exactly feel one way or the other, but there was nothing negative and after some prodding and trying to find the right questions to make sure that he was alright, truly alright with me exploring polyamory, he gave me his blessing to pursue a relationship with Angel, as I'll call her here.
Angel's not exactly overly experienced in relationships in general, but after a long talk with her as well and telling her about polyamory, and making sure that she did not have any problems with it... I sort of confessed my feelings to her.
Well I more so told her I had feelings for someone, flailed around like an lunatic while trying to tell her it was -her- (hey I hadn't done anything like that in over 8 years!) and apparently generated a hell of a lot of cute, before she guessed that it was herself.
Not only open-minded, she's a really smart woman~
Anyways, after getting over the giddiness of confessing, and her -very- positive reaction to the idea I liked her, (She apparently liked me for awhile but didn't say anything due to the fact I'm married. Go figure.) I made sure to tell her that while, I find myself very intrigued by polyamory that I am very new to it and that my husband was alright for it, -for now-, that I would of course have to respect his wishes if he could not handle it in the end. And that as long as that was something she could deal with, that I wanted her to be my girlfriend.
She said yes.
Now, I don't know if my husband is mainly ok with this because she is female, or that she is long distance, (As mentioned before, I'm Canadian. Angel is American.) but so far he has not had a problem. There's been more detailed discussion on the fact that yes, I do fully intend on trying to see her in person, and more... which he has no problem with and he says he is happy for me. He's also spoken to her, and so far they get along. They're both fairly easygoing so it's not difficult, but I'm glad so far.
Angel and I have agreed to be exclusive so far, not to say that I don't encourage the idea that she might find someone else also. But that's something to be talked about if she decides it's something she wants to do. So far, her and I are basking in the wonder of our new relationship.
I haven't been -this- happy in a very long time. I haven't been my old playful and energetic self in years but lately I feel like that person again. I feel wonderful^^
I know there's a chance this might be a phase for me, and perhaps I'm just being optimistic.... but I honestly believe I have found the right path for myself. With reading people's stories and all the information I have found online, and even writing this out... it's how I've come to see things I had missed before.
Of course I'm trying to be careful and not run too fast to embrace this, not wanting to stumble over my own feet in the course of things and stumbling in avoidable ways, however, I do have to say my excitement is hard to contain.
My husband and I are spending more time together, when Angel isn't online, I hug him more and tell him I love him more. And it's honestly, so nice, not to hate myself so much anymore.