It's sadly surprising how common your story is. I always say that it isn't what happened, it's what you do after that counts... you are now in a position of educating others that you see go down a similar path... talking about it helps other realize they are not alone and can make a different choice. I see that as your responsibility now. That is the only way I have found to ease the guilt of cheating and having an affair. Own what you did and turn it around to benefit others.
I totally get that you think you are in love. I would like to suggest that under that circumstance you perhaps thought so as a reaction to something you were not getting out of your relationship with your wife. Perhaps you could look towards her and figure out what that is before anything else...
I totally get that it is possible that the two of you are soulmates
. That could be also, but the fact of the matter is that you have a responsibility to your wife first and your family... then to anything outside of that...
Perhaps you can figure out how to make this all work, but in my experience I have not seen a relationship work out (other than LR! who is a miracle
)for the long haul that starts with cheating. There is quite often too much damage done in that... if you had caught it at the coffee stage, and been honest and open with your wife then, maybe, but I don't hold much hope out..
Really, if I were you I would end it with this woman you say you love and get your integrity back. Maybe then in the future something more respectful will come up that suits you all far better. In this way you can talk afresh about poly and start out on the right foot, rooted in love, respect, connection and with thought for all involved.
good luck my friend, sounds like you made a mess, you and her... don't forget to pass that on to others so they have a chance of not ending up where you are.