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Old 02-22-2009, 07:31 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by Reay View Post
The relationship was new for me and initially very appealing. after making the commitments to both women I began to see things differently, not bad, I just realized the amount of attention that is necessary to hold such a relationship together.
I know that when I was involved with the ex-GF, the arrangement wouldn't have worked had not both women--GF and wife--been fairly independent. Neither one expected to have all or even most of my available time and attention.

Now, even if I were mono, I couldn't be seriously involved with anybody who expected a great deal of time and attention; those relationships I explored where that cropped up I ended quickly. I'm always looking for indicators of that sort of thing when considering whether to get involved with someone, and it's a deal-breaker.

I suspect that a good deal of independence is a prerequisite for polyamory. I say that because I suspect that the ability to exist contentedly while sharing a partner's time and attention with others requires the security that engenders independence. I can certainly be wrong, though my limited experience bears this out.

Beyond overbearing demands for time and attention...yeah, it does take more work to balance multiple relationships. One has to consider each relationship at all times and work to keep each healthy. It takes time to work things out and time to negotiate what works for everybody involved.

Added to the already challenging situation was influence from a social group that Jen and Nan belonged to. For me, the lifestyle from this social group incorporated into our relationship was the killer. They had an expectation that I would adopt all the principles they live by and all would be well. I did not.
That's the case with any relationship. The social group of any partner can prove problematic in the sense that it's not a good fit for you. It is part of the partner's life, however, so if it's not a good fit for you, that means the partner isn't really a good fit for you. As interesting as the partner may be, it's unlikely he or she just isn't compatible on that basis alone.

So here's where I am now. I am still interested in a polyamorous relationship, BUT, I feel it prudent to learn more before attempting to court or court into another polyamorous relationship.

I welcome input from others, and please give me more than one liners. Detailed explanations of situations help more than just trying to "Direct me"
"What" is always so obvious, "why" is always key.
We are generally not taught how to select partners. We are not taught what makes for a compatible match. We get fed the notion of "love conquers all," which is, in my opinion, so much bullshit. I love an ex-wife dearly, and we still share an explosive attraction--and we understand that we are not compatible on a daily basis, so we've each found new partners and go on.

Whether entering a mono relationship or a poly relationship, we would be best served by assessing as many of the aspects of it as possible. In your case, if you knew the social group the ladies were part of in advance of getting involved, it would have proven useful to figure out how well you'd fit with it prior to any involvement.

Their friends, their religions, their relatives, their jobs--everything in which they are involved are part of them. Gauging compatibility includes gauging compatibility with all of those things, too.
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