I've been wanting to write to you all about what's been happening w/ Catfish and I for a couple of weeks, but I think I needed to process more with him first before I reached out.
The time has come for the the real life test of how I will deal with Catfish having a special relationship with someone else.
I have had a couple of experiences that are pretty low key, one online with a man in the desert in California(S), one with someone more local that I've known for years that didn't really go beyond reaffirmation of friendship(J). I also carry on a very close emotional relationship on the phone with a friend of both of ours who has moved to Arizona, but he and I have not talked about the romantic element of our relationship, though we have finally had a couple of conversations about poly recently, one last night, because I really needed to talk about this:
I am going to try to just state the facts here because there has been so much conversation and so many ups and downs and madly beating hearts the last couple of weeks.
(OMG it feels so good to be writing what I want to write! Just finished the semester yesterday)
I'm going to preface this with the fact that overall, Catfish's connection to this woman, K, has overall been positive. Right now I feel good. I feel trusting/trusted, respected, loved, sexually gratified-all the good stuff. But I must admit I'm still scared.
K and Catfish have been friends for 10 years. When I moved out of the house last winter, before Catfish and I opened our relationship to poly, K and C were talking a lot. There were definitely feeling between the two of them, getting closer at a time when C and I were at an impasse in our relationship. At the time, I was very angry about this, as I was about most things then. When I called him out he denied it. She acted like she didn't know what I was going on about. C and I fought over this.
Cut to two months ago, C and I talk about relationships that we currently have that have potential to be freed in some way. K is the first person on C's list. Not a big surprise, I probably initiated that discussion myself. I have come to dislike doing anything that implies that I own C in any way, and my thinking on K is that I can't deny that the two of them have a special bond. Why would I? That would only serve to perpetuate anger, resentment, and intensify the forbidden fruit thing they had going on.
So C brought it up to K. Lots of messages back and forth, between all of us, tons of conversations, love sessions between C and I, and caring gestures later and we're all three planning to get together in the next week or so.
I have powered through my very real insecurities, jealousy, and mistrust of K because of my anger towards she and C in the past for being cagey with me, with the following rule: I can feel any feeling I have in my body and mind, but I can't use anger, manipulation, or ownership/power plays to express it internally or externally.
It's hard to lack those devices to cope. I have by no means conquered my fears about this particular woman, but here are some positive things that have come of this so far, and I really can't qualify any real negative things that have had no value to me.
C and I have been so close through this, discovered deeper trust, had great sex, supported each other, laughed. Been strong.
K and I finally get to settle the score, whether or not I'm the only with a score to settle.
I was hurt in the past not only because C was evasive with his feelings, but because when I met K, we really got along, hit on each other even, and then suddenly we were rivals. K and I have a lot in common. I am actually really looking forward to getting to know her.
For one flash-bulb moment the other day, I felt total compersion. C was beaming, getting so much attention and kindness from two amazing women just made him beautific. It was infectious.
Friends, I welcome your questions and comments. This has been so hard but rewarding as all hell so far. I am still afraid but I feel brave.
Last night I had a poly dream, don't remember it clearly but I was wearing different pretty dresses, going in and out of rooms, embracing people, and I went out into the street- looked like Manhattan- J was standing there with his family and it was a surprise and he picked me up around the waist and just hugged me for a long time. I woke up feeling deeply loved.