I was thinking this over this morning. Someone asked if people had black friends or how much they associated with black people... I began thinking about what racism really means to me (and what ableism means to me). I believe that it's not necessarily about who you hang out with.
I can liken it mostly to ableism. Most people do not have disabled lovers, friends, or colleagues. Does that make them ableist? Many people do not have black friends - are they racist? I do not have black friends, I grew up in a culture that was 60% hispanic, 10% Indian and rest mostly white. I still live in a 'white' neighborhood, I have not had many blacl friends because that hasn't been my opportunity. I think racism and ableism are more about attitude- whether someone thinks that non-white (or non-disabled) people are superior to white/abled people. Whether on thinks one is perferable or deserves more rights, or should be hired for a job, or is an equal human being and whether one uses language that is respectful - in the disability world, for example using terms like wheelchair bound, ill, sick, retarded, spastic, lame...crippled and so on (invalid) are words that show disrespect and disempowerment.
I think ultimately each person has to be looked at as a whole, not are they the same color or gender or ability, but what CAN they do. Are they funny? Do I like them? It doesn't necessarily have to do with who you hand out with - it has to do with approaching someone different than you without assumptions.