Complicated triad part-breakup situation
This post is half to help me get an idea of things and also to ask for, hmm, communication advice? And general opinions on the situation.
I'm a 19 yr old girl, who has been in a triad relationship with 2 guys; A and B.
It's been roughly 2 years since we all got together. It just happened without much discussion, none of us had been Poly or knew what Poly was. The love was not equal but it worked out (I love A but am in love with B, B loves me but is in love with A and A loves B but is in love with me). All relationships went relatively smoothly in couples as well as all together. Also open so there were a few play partners but nothing serious.
We went on dates, I moved in with B, we all met but A and B didn't meet together much for this time. I decided to bring A with us on a holiday at the last minute, which was camping and the longest we'd all spent together in one time. Exciting and thrilling. I really genuinely thought we were in for a lifetime relationship.
The night before we were going to go home A got drunk, I teased him for being a lightweight and he punched me. In the face. Because he felt like it. I ran off crying and curled up in a ball. B found me and hugged me and A stood there saying he was drunk and I should forgive him. Then he started to poke at B and slapping him in the face to get B to respond (B was very silent and thinking) so I pinned A on the floor and growled at him and then he hit me again twice. I decided it wouldn't work out between me and A so I told him we shouldn't talk any more because it would be painful. A said 'ok whatever you think is best' and we haven't talked for 2 months. He hadn't been aggressive in the 2 years we'd been together.
Since then A and B are still meeting weekly. I live with B and happily. I couldn't ask B to stop seeing A (though I made it clear I was unhappy) and B didn't ask for me to be with A at all. I do have the fear that B will prefer A to me but the main concern is that B was so busy with work at the time that he just kept meeting A and I didn't say anything for fear of stressing him and forcing him to deal with the fucked up situation of being in the middle. The worst part is that it feels like B didn't express to A that he was upset/disappointed by him hitting me beyond the silence in the moment.
For now I have been putting off the conversation and trying to distract myself when they meet (e.g. being asleep/out of the house when B comes home from meeting A so I don't have to see how happy he is). I fucking miss A and am struggling to call and forgive him because of that, and I'm suffering the breakup in silence because nobody even knew about mine and his relationship except B. B is finishing his work in a few days and I don't know how to approach this.
- I don't want to push B away. Why mention it at all? I've gone this long holding my tongue, and they are happy maybe I should be happy for them like I was before.
- It's too late to get the emotional response from B that I would've wanted (how dare you punch her you bastard) as they are meeting happily so it's now out of context. What would I be even asking for?
- I could make it all go away by forgiving A, only I've lost all respect and he hasn't tried to fight for me back. There is more to him than the drunk who punched me though, and it was once in two years and I'm not even giving him a second chance. Though if I do it may give the impression that it's okay and I will forgive him eventually even without him apologising.
There's just so much going on in my head about this.. Let me know your thoughts..