Here are some quotes from nycindie's blog... been thinking about this a lot the past couple of days. (I added the color). Quoted it here to have it for easy reference.
Originally Posted by nycindie
Today I read something in a self-help book that suddenly changed my outlook. I can't even clearly say the process I went through, but it's all about getting used to things a certain way in my relationship, and having expectations because I had stopped seeing our relationship and who he is clearly. I was living with expectations for things to keep going the same as they had been, and my desire for us to become closer, instead of being awake and aware of things as they ARE RIGHT NOW, and now, and now, and now, and now... Life is always changing! I was taking him and our dynamic for granted, and then when he announced this change - having another relationship with someone else - I perceived that change as a threat to me. The limbic part of the brain sees drastic shifts in the environment as threats - fight or flight. And I made sure not to beat myself up for going into that kind of negative thinking, which can be very addictive.
So, this book I read talked about having preferences rather than demands, to change our programming from demanding and expecting what we want to having a preference but being okay with not getting what we want. You have more of a chance at being happy that way, rather than disappointed, and you change the quality of the energy you direct at others by doing so, which means that more loving, positive energy comes back to you. .
Originally Posted by nycindie
It's an old one from the 70s which continues to be reprinted - The Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes, Jr.
The addiction, as I understand it, comes from being unaware of where our thought patterns lead us. And also, not wanting to grow up and take responsibility, as well as living in the past or future rather than the here and now. We are conditioned as babies and young children to make lots of noise when we want something and to have an emotional response when we either get it or not. We associate getting those things as necessary for our happiness. Keyes says it's perfectly fine to want things but to hold them as preferences so that there isn't as much attachment to the outcome, and to direct love out to the world whether we get those things or not. This frees us to feel what we feel and be satisfied with life even if we don't get our way. But he goes into addiction a lot more in the book. Humans like rhythms, routine, patterns. Basically being upset about stuff is usually part of a way of thinking that has become a pattern we keep following even if not satisfying.
So, C. lives 3 hours away, but just from the pattern and content of his texting yesterday, I knew he was on a date. And it turned out he was.
Why am I so afraid of this? My anxiety was through the roof this morning. I can't seem to find the switch I have to flip to NOT be scared of losing him.
How wonderful woud it be if I could say, referring to the Keyes quote above, "I would prefer to stay in a relationship with him. There are no signs that this is going to change, but of course it could change, because everything can change. But I won't attach myself to this wish and I won't demand that I get what I want - staying in a relationship with him. Instead, I will continue to love him and be loved by him, and live the present, because the present is pretty damn good".
oh, so difficult.