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Old 12-22-2009, 06:19 AM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Here's the thing .. I'm going to be kind, but I'm also going to be honest.

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It started off very innocently, talking through email, meeting for lunches, becoming close friends, but we just couldn't help but fall in love with eachother. She knew I was already involved with someone. We both tried to do the right thing but couldn't help ourselves.
and
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but I couldn't help but love both of these women.
"We couldn't help ourselves" is the ultimate cop out for doing something you know is wrong. I understand that you built this connection. I understand that you felt these emotions. But adults who are willing to take responsibilty for his (and her) actions don't fall back on "we couldn't help ourselves" when they let it move to the next level.

And even more so - you made a choice to cheat (and I'm talking about both of you) when there was a 10 year old child involved who could potentially be harmed by the results of the cheating or the relationships.

I think the first thing that you both have to do before you can come to any resolution is admit to yourselves and each other that you MADE A CHOICE. You made a choice to cheat - emotionally and physically.

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My primary knows that I'm sleeping with someone else but my new interest isn't completely aware that I'm still as emotionally involved as I am with my original girlfriend.
So you're continuing to cheat, but from the reverse side this time.


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I don't think my secondary would be willing to share me with another either-
So your secondary cheated with you (on your primary) and now she wouldn't be "willing to share you"? Don't you thnk that's just a tad bit hypocritical? She'll cheat with you on your partner, but you can't have anyone else but her?

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Can someone please help me? I need some advice. I feel as though loving either of them is not enough and that I am only fulfilled with loving both of them. I'm a giver by nature. I love pleasuring them both sexually especially. They have both told me that I'm the most satisfying lover that either of them have ever had so I have that added pressure on top of everything.
Are you poly because you really feel that it is within you to love two women, or are you high on the idea of having sex with two different (and apparently radically different) women and the ego boost of having both of them tell you what a fantastic lover you are?

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There are many things to consider, my primary's weight problem
Why? What does her weight have to do with whether or not you love her?

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I had never really heard of the term "polyamory" until my primary commented that she never imaged that I'm a polyamorist -
Having an affair doesn't make you a polyamorist. Cheating (on your primary or your secondary) most defintely makes you the opposite of a polyamorist.

Right now I don't see that you have a primary and a secondary. Right now I see that you have a girlfriend who you cheated on with a lover who you are now cheating on with your girlfriend.

Until you resolve the cheating issues, you can't even begin to discuss the idea of poly with either of them or with anyone else, IMO.

I think you need to spend some time apart from each of them and REALLY thinking about what it is you want - a real, honest, OPEN relationship with both of them, or the thrill of being a secret lover and getting the ego stroking from each of them as they fight over you.

And I'm sorry if you don't find that kind - it's not meant to be unkind. But it is an honest review of what I see in what you wrote.
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