The mood at work is rather sour these days. Looming strike, co-workers that don't talk to me, avoid me or just plain old tell me I'm annoying (yes, that happened for real). I'm feeling really down about it more and more. Usually I can leave it behind and come home to my happy home life, but lately, with lack of things to take care of at home, it is hovering over me like a dark cloud.
Its hard not to when I feel when after all these years things should of got better for my clients and for me, but instead they have got worse. Where we used to have a lovely house and garden to run our program out of we now have a converted room that is small and cramped with windows high above on the walls so no one can see out. The carpet is shabby and dirty, we share the space with other groups so our space is not our own and we need to put everything away every night. We have few items that belong to us any more and have less staff, more clients and more drama between clients. I won't go on, but I am tired of it. I'm getting tired of feeling like I am under paid (no raise in five years), under appreciated and over skilled for the job at this point.... so what to do?
Part of the problem is that its all a cycle. I feel under appreciated often on many levels so I decided to not spend my energy on people that don't appreciate me, then I find that I begin to not appreciate others also and I run into a trap.
I think part of what I need to do is to start appreciating people more. I used to reach out and tell people I appreciate them and I don't anymore. I don't because I am so burnt out on my own feelings of not being appreciated I don't see those that I do appreciate out side of my family tribe.
Actually, I've spent the good part of a couple of years backing out of relationships entirely at work and everywhere else in life to the point that I really hardly have any left any more. I stick with my partners and thats it. Its not good I don't think. All my eggs in one basket is not a good thing.
What I am finding with poly; in my own experience as a woman in committed, love filled relationships is that I have no room for anyone else and no need for anyone else. I'm filled up so full on support and love that I don't need to engage anyone else. Is that healthy? I have never been in a position whereby I am not endlessly searching to feel a sense of belonging and fulfillment. It feels strange and healing all at the same time. Like I can go it alone in the world and be okay.
One day I would like it if I needed no one else but myself in the world and yet still have people to be with as partners and friends and co-workers. I feel that time coming. I've always been afraid of being alone. Like I will lose my mind in fear. The longer I am in these relationships the more I want to try being alone. Not that I want to end them, far from it, just the more I figure I could be alone...
I have reached a point where I don't care what others think of me and whether or not I fit in. I find myself wandering through my days barely engaging at all with others to the point where I come across as rather stupid in conversations and controlling because I am not getting my way. I am sometimes surprised that I have to do something that isn't something I would do... interrupted from being out of the loop is how it feels. I am jarred back into the reality that I am surrounded by others often these days.
So, there it is. I guess I will continue on and find ways to disengage more and more at work so as to survive being there. At least until I figure out what to do next.
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