So Chipmunk and I went for a long walk and had a little chat. Ok more like a big chat. She's still not big on talking with me about her feelings.
I spent some time talking to Airyn letting him know what I wanted to talk to Chipmunk about. He just asked me not to make things worse, and said to be careful how I phrase things. It's been a few days and since then so my memory isn't so fresh, but here it goes.
I started by explaining that my anger at Airyn the other day would have happened even if she was living next door. That the only reason it affects her is because she lives with us, but that her living with us was not the issue. I explained that it was about Airyn's messaging habits, and my frustration with him. That her telling him she was moving out only increases Airyn stress, and isn't helpful. I talk about how if she decides she wants to move out it should be because she WANTs to live on her own not because one of us got mad or upset.
She didn't have a whole lot to say. Just listened, you can tell she's filing things away and will look at it all later.
So I tell her that I don't want her moving out just cause I got upset with Airyn. I remind her that Airyn calls me "Hot Headed" for a reason. She response to this saying that Airyn calls her neurotic. Which I tell her he has reason for as well. I suggest that she and I both agree to be a little less hot headed/neurotic. Then I start talking about how moving in with a significant other is never easy. That it takes both parties working at the relationship. I tell her that Airyn and I had to work hard to have the relationship we have now, that we were both committed to making it work. Then I tell Chipmunk that I know Airyn is "pretty damn committed to making this work." I just kinda look at her sideways after saying that, her response, "what" So I tell her she needs to be committed too.
I tell her that I have keep my "hot headedness" mostly away from her. She has said that she doesn't handle upset people well. That she get emotional, and starts crying when people are upset and yelling at her. So I explain how part of my conversation/anger with Airyn went. How I very aggressively told Airyn that he needs to be telling her the same thing now that he has been telling me for the past few months. Deal with it, it'll get better soon (maybe not in those words). That Chipmunk needs to learn to deal till we get moved. I explain that I realize she can't handle that type of communication, and that I save it for Airyn who will let me get my anger out without reading to much into it. I asked her to at least give me credit for coming to her calmly and talking about these things. She smiled and let me know that she appreciates that.
Then I move on as she and I are getting a long nicely at this point. I tell her that she should start thinking about the things she wants versus needs in her relationship with Airyn. That once we do get a bigger place things will change, and she should start thinking about it. She tells me she doesn't know what she wants. So I tell her what I told Airyn, and what I have expressed her previously. That I want 2 days a week, and at least 1 weekend a month. That the longer I go without what I want the more weekend time I want. That at this point I'm thinking more like every other weekend, but that I am flexible. I'm not likely to expect my 2 days a week to be on her days off. That I figure she wants a lot of the same things that I do. We talk about our sleeping arrangements, and how she would like to wake up to just Airyn in the mornings. I agree that it sucks right now, and tell her that I don't particular like coming home 5 mornings a week to her and Airyn half naked, snuggled up together in my bed, that sometimes I just don't want to deal with that at all. And I tell her that there's not too much we can do until we find a suitable couch/daybed. That it won't be perfect, but that it should help some. I hope that Chipmunk hearing my base line (my starting place) will giver her some where to start as she considers what she wants from Airyn.
So basically I tell her that when things get difficult she needs to stop trying to bale and threatening to move out. I point out that we are working on find ways to make everyone more comfortable till we move into a bigger place. Yes I called her "I'm moving out" a threat. We've been living together for just over 3 months, and she has said 3 times in a 2 week period that she's just going to move out. I told her that we have all put a lot of time into making this work. That if I can wait it out, so can she. I reminded her that I went from have Airyn to myself 24.7 to just a few hours here and there and not over night time at all. If i can stay, and not "move out" she should be able to find a way for a few more months. This actually got a smile. i think this put things more into perspective for her. That some of my anger, and emotional issues are over the things I miss with Airyn, and that the amount of time she is missing out on this week is minor. I've been on vacation since Wednesday so home 24/6 for about a week and a half. She has not enjoyed having her alone time with Airyn disappear. I also acknowledge that I have been needy of Airyn's time. At the end of our walk I let her know that when I pick Wolf up from school Wolf and I will be going out for a few hours. That it's not much alone time, but it's better than none. That I understand how hard it can be when your privacy, and alone time with a lover gets cut off.
I asked Airyn the next day if Chipmunk talked with him about it. He said all he did was ask if she felt better, and that she does feel better. That she's still doing her "post processing" as he calls it. Over the next couple days he said he could tell she was less stressed.
Then her next day off came up, and I said I would go for a walk with Wolf and hang out at the library for a while after Wolf get home from school. Because this would put me and wolf walking home after dark Chipmunk suggest that Airyn and her come pick us up before the library closed (8pm). The next day I'm talking to Airyn and he tells me that Chipmunk has been being unreasonable about what she considers intimate time with him. I asked him about it and he explained that Chipmunk thought I was only walking to the library and back until I came into the bedroom and looked up the libraries hours. That she was being sad about how little time she expected to have. He also told me that she has only been counting the hours the two of them have with out Wolf present, but has been counting the hours Airyn and I have even with Wolf present as (intimate) time "alone". He told her that this is a double standard on her part. She said that it's different cause Airyn and I can lock the bedroom door and still have privacy. He explained that this is not entirely so. That sure we can lock the door, but Wolf is home, and awake and at the door. That when we do lock the door it's only for 30 mins to an hour. We can't ignore Wolf. He doesn't know if that helped, but feels it might bring her to a different perspective. Help her view things differently. Airyn also knows that I have very little sympathy for Chipmunk's lack of time. When it comes down to it I just don't see how she can complain. Untill about three weeks ago I was luck to get an hour of time at home with Airyn (and Wolf was always present) a couple days per week. And she's complaining about a week and a half, when I've offered to give them time on her days off? So I point out that my going out with Wolf to give them time was MY suggestion, MY idea. That I do not have to leave my home to allow his other lover intimate time with my husband in my home. That this is my home, and I DO NOT have to leave it. (It is my home, my income pays for it. My income pays for all the cost of living where we do.) Airyn is very capable of handling my initial negative reaction, and moving on as if I wasn't just being angry, and perhaps a bit unreasonable. I'm conflicted. Do I offer to go out tomorrow (Chipmunks next day off) and give them alone time at home? Or do I just stay home. It is my vacation time, I should stay home and enjoy being in Airyn company even if his company includes my x-girlfriend.
I tell Airyn that intimate time does not have to mean sex. That having time to chat privately between them can be intimate. That they can kiss, and flirt, and make out all they want with out me watching. Then I tell him that sitting together at the computer I count as private/intimate time with him. That it is nice to feel like it's my space for a while. I also reminded him that my going out to give them time was my idea, and suggestion. That I don't have to leave my home so his lover can have alone time in my home with him. (I am hot headed see) Really she should be seeing that I am making an effort to be fair, and understanding, but this is my home. It's my income that pays for it, and I DO NOT have to offer to leave it. Airyn can handle my negative initial reaction, or we wouldn't still be together. lol
Ok enough of that. Airyn told me a while back ago that having Chipmunk in his life has really shown him what he needs/appreciates about our relationship. So tonight I asked him what he meant that he never actually told me. He said stability. That he doesn't have to worry that I'm going to up and leave him. That he knows we will always have each other no matter how things turn out between him and Chipmunk. That he doesn't have to worry, or feel paranoid. I just smiled and reminded him what I have said before. "I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere." Things many be hard, or rough, but they are not impossible.
Even better, This weekend I'm meeting a woman I have been emailing for about a month. And early next week I'm meeting with another woman I've been messaging for several weeks. I'm excited, and a little nervous. Airyn has been laughing/giggling at me over it.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married