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Old 12-21-2009, 12:01 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
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I realized last night, after several months, different conversations and putting some stuff together that I think I am and we are being judged and that judgment has blocked us from being closer to certain people. I guess it is hard for some people to understand that I prefer to find freedom in being committed to both my husband and Mono. I don't have a need at this point in my life to seek out more relationships and more sexual experiences. I have quality relationships and don't need more quantity. The seeming judgment comes when people think that I am somehow giving up my freedom. Sure Mono and I and all of us have some set boundaries that mean to the outside world I am losing my sexual freedom, and whether or not I can push that is left to be determined under certain circumstances, but I am happy where we are at and I am not giving up anything. On the contrary, I am inviting in relationship depth and more love in that than I have ever known.

The judgment that blocks some people from even talking to me is that they conduct their relationships from the perspective of being an entity un to themselves and they have several partners outside of that. Our relationship is based on "we" are the entity. Does that make sense? I would not want to be an entity on my own with partners. It sounds lonely and sad to me.
It's great that you're finding what works for you. However, it might be worth considering that others who are in more fluid or free relationships might also perceiving tacit judgment from you in how you're choosing to frame it. Not specifically referring to you here, I often see such things framed as "I would rather have depth and quality than quantity", implying that those who are in relationships that are more fluid can't have the same emotional connection or depth than other kinds of relationships.

The same can be said for perceiving how others regard their own entity within the relationship, whether it be "I" or "we". Those kinds of perceptions from outside the people experiencing it are often inaccurate and don't do justice to the personal experience of those in it. If someone said that I'm just not at the point where I can understand the "we" entity because of how my relationships are at the moment, I'd definitely be calling out those assumptions. Simply because our state of "we" looks different than your state of "we", it doesn't mean we're not in a state of "we". (this is a general "your" not a specific person)

Saying things like "it would be lonely and sad for me" could suggest to someone who hears it that you see them as lonely and sad people for having that experience when they may not be. This is a natural thing that happens when we start comparing our own experiences to other people's experiences. This is also why I dislike poly communities that declare certain people more "advanced" at poly because of their relationship styles than other people. I've seen such tacit judgments happen on this board fairly often.

It's definitely not ok to be judged for living the life that's right for you and if I was around while that was happening, I'd be calling that out, but I would also consider that while it may be in defense of the judgements you're feeling, you may be offering the same tacit judgments to people who are also living the life that's right for them.
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