Wow, thank you guys so much for your time.
Just to follow up:
I delineated a list of actions based on how y'all responded to the situation and now I'm feeling a lot more empowered
I think I just wasn't sure if I was being overly sensitive or jealous or something or if there were legitimately issues with the relationship. Based on what y'all said, I think it's a little of both, but it seems fixable now!
- I need to work on finding more people that I feel comfortable and safe with.
It's key to making me feel better and I think it's my right. I do plan to ask him if he has any limits in this regard and we can talk about it, but ultimately, it needs to be my priority.
- "People who care about their friends let their friends know when they want to see them." I should not have to feel like I am competing for his time or begging him to hang out with me. I'm going to ask him to be more proactive if possible, and I think I'm going to ask him to maintain his online calendar
(just shows when he is free or busy, but he doesn't actually upkeep it) so I feel more comfortable asking him to things instead of just hearing "Sorry, OSO already asked me to hang out" all the time.
- I am going to ask him if he feels comfortable changing his communication style
a little bit -- no "Sorry, I'm already obligated" and more like "I have plans, are you free ____ instead?" I think it's unintentional, meant to be nice, like "I would if I could" but doesn't come off that way. (Reminds me of how I used to say "I don't care" and people took that to mean I didn't care about them/was dismissive, and I really meant "I'm happy with either option!") I am also going to ask him not to tell OSO things about my emotions without my consent, and not to tell me things about her emotions. I'm also going to start saying things like "This is personal" when I don't want something shared with her. I don't mind hearing about her life, but I don't want to hear things that cause tension.
- In terms of events and potlucks and stuff -- I did not even think about the concept of "official date"
... that's an awesome suggestion. I think asking whether or not I am really will help me determine the dynamics of a social situation and let me know things like if I can bring my own date, if I can rely on him to be there for me if I get freaked out, and all the stuff that seemed really complicated and confusing before.
I think this will solve most of the issues, but if it doesn't make the relationship measurably better I'm going to ask if we can do a primary-secondary model
instead of a co-primary so I can find my structure that way. If that still doesn't work, we may not want to be in a relationship at all. But I'm feeling really positive now.
Again, thank y'all so much... I can't express how much better I feel.