A month later, Skye had her first official date with Crush, instead of just masses of texts and phone calls, and doing overnights at his place. It was very intense, and secret, a lot of the time. The only requirement I had was to know when they became sexual active (the first date pretty much), and when it was serious (the first date, maybe the second). (See her own thread on it here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27525
) It was really really good to see her so happy. She was the Skye I remembered from days past, early in our marriage. She was taking care of herself in various ways that she hadn’t in a long time, taking pride in herself. I commented on it to her, complimented on it to her. Compersion to the max for me. Meanwhile, Buns and I were doing our best to actually be boyfriend and girlfriend. Enough nasty had happened before, that we’d been slowly working our way up to it this time, but, Skye seemed to be all approvals, even encouraging us. Because of the chemistry we already had between us and the time we’d already been close friends, we were very much in love with each other in short order. *So* happy! I’d finally done it, I was in love with two at the same time, and it was…wonderful. I was complete. This was what it was all about. I made sure that Skye knew my feelings for Buns, expecting at least a little reaction from her. But, in the half dozen times I told her over the next month+, she wasn’t phased by it.
Crush’s therapist put him and Skye on a 30 day break, which they found every possible way to circumvent without actually going against the letter of the break agreement. She was fascinated by him, that’s all she wanted to talk about or hear. Trying to talk to her about anything else, wasn’t so great. In short, everyone was shut out, Skye didn’t want to hear it. Not problems the rest of us were having with being shut out, that I was in love with Buns, nothing. This is perhaps where we should have putour collective feet down, but, we mistakenly took what we saw as a serious connection and a buttload of NRE. We let it slide, figuring we would catch her after the hormones calmed. I think Busbuddha was the worst off, as at least Buns and I had each other, while his GF was mostly MIA and/or canceling on him.
Just before a week long business trip that started right after the 30 day break ended, everything started to hit. Distraught over what was going on, I was pleading with Skye to talk to me. That was when she told me that she wasn’t in love with anymore, hadn’t been for a very long time, didn’t think she ever could be again, wasn’t attracted to me, or anyone in the quad. Oh yes, and, she wanted permission to not use protection with Crush, as soon as he was tested and she had her tubes tied. And that’s what I got to think about as I traveled to the other side of the planet. I sent her emails, messages, talked to her on the phone. Skye couldn’t take it, it was too much trying to work on both relationships at the same time. She said she needed to focus on Crush right now, and asked that I give her 30days to work things out with him. The two of them had made a 30day trial deal, after coming off a breakup of sorts. It was all a lot to take, but, I accepted and agreed. But she still wanted that no condom thing, and pushed me on it, angry that I was even hesitant.
A couple problems popped up with that. Skye would on occasion bring up important stuff between she and I, and then get upset when I responded or continued the talk later, asking questions I’d had. Especially if it was via txt or email. I wrote her a letter, via email, when I got back from my trip, telling her how much I had missed her, how much I loved her, and how good it was to be home where I could feel her presence. I prefaced it by saying I understood I was breaking the rules, but I needed to tell her, and that I was leaving extra space at the top so she wouldn’t have to see it accidentally. She read it anyhow. 10 days after getting back, it was our anniversary. Our tradition is that I always write things inside her cards. I did, and wrote her another letter as well. But, trying to adhere to the 30 day agreement, I wrote them in invisible ink. As we sat at dinner, I could tell she didn’t really want to be there. The day before she admitted she hadn’t gotten around to getting me a card or gift, (I’m just too hard to buy for). When I gave her the card and letter, she looked at them with a puzzled expression. I gave her the penlight she needed to read them, and explained what I’d done and why I had done it this way. She read them. Later, both of these acts became acts of manipulation in her eyes, feeling that I’d violated the 30day agreement, knowing that she would read.
Most of last month Skye spent every minute she could with Crush, physically or virtually. We did have a few talks, but grudgingly on her part. I tried to keep the agreement, but it was very hard. Some things I needed to know, like, did she even want to try be in love with me again. Over and over she refused to commit to anything, always getting upset or angry. I think it was at this point that I told Skye that she was in love with Crush. She said she didn’t know, and I replied back that I’d been with her long enough that I could tell. The midmonth brought the second breakup for Crush and Skye. She was devastated, totally heartbroken. The person she described to us over and over as being the greatest love of her life ever, and so much better than us in every way, was gone. Hurt as we all were from the unpleasant things Skye had said to us repeatedly, we rushed to her side to comfort her, rally behind her. It was a very sad couple of days for us all. They got back together a day or so later, much to our relief, Buns and I giving up our date night so Skye and Crush could spend time together. Then it happened again, a week later. Again we rushed to Skye’s side to support her. And they got back together again, but as friends only, just to see what happens, and we all stood down again. I had even written a letter to Crush, to aid Skye. The emotional drama was very high.
Now it starts getting ugly. Ok, uglier. Seeing as Skye and Crush weren’t a thing anymore, only friends, I felt my agreement to the 30day thing was done. Nothing to figure out, as nothing was supposed to be happening. So I started trying to talk to Skye again about our stuff. And again it was met with unpleasantness. She didn’t know what she wanted anymore, if she wanted to stay with me or move on, didn’t know who she was anymore because of how she had to stifle herself around me all these years, how she was trapped because she had nowhere to go, no one to go to, how she wasn’t poly, she’d been doing it all for me, and the like. I asked what did that mean about she and I, which was met with she didn’t know, she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted. I told her that was fine, that she could have all the time and space she wanted, but she couldn’t just leave me and the rest of the quad hanging like this. Still she wouldn’t commit to anything.
To help, I wrote out every possible combination of what she could do that was acceptable, as well as sent her an article from More Than Two about a couple that simply recognized that they couldn’t be together anymore no matter how much they tried. Perhaps, I thought, this is what she’s steeling herself for. Still nothing. Buns and Busbuddha got a look at it, as it affected them as well. Skye didn’t even want to admit to reading it, though when she did later, she stated that she and Crush had read it right after I sent it and didn’t understand most of it. Skye kept insisting that I leave her alone to think, that I was violating the 30day agreement, that I wasn’t being fair, that she didn’t know what she wanted.
It came out that she’d been having a mono relationship with Crush all this time, though she wouldn’t say if it was on purpose or just happened. I was at my wits end. She needed to make a decision – either she was in, or she was out, and what each would look like. If she didn’t know I she wanted to be with my anymore, fine, then we would separate so she could figure it out. I offered her everything she would need to take all the time she wanted. The day to day wouldn’t change, but there would be no romantic relationship between us. She could go figure herself out and what she wanted, no matter how long it took. If she wanted to stay but not be with me, that was ok. It was even ok if she wanted to stay and be with someone else, who would come to live with us. If she wanted to go, then we would work it out then. If she left, and 10yrs down the road called me and wanted to come back, or had nowhere to go, I’d bring her back, of she could still call me her friend. She was set for life. Meanwhile, I’d carry on with the self improvement I’d started in the spring, keep my relationship with Buns, and we’d all keep the family together. That was the important part – keeping the family together and happy.