Thread: New and Jealous
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Old 11-06-2012, 04:56 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

Welcome, theladybug

One quick language tip: Usually, 'the lifestyle' is a phrase used by those into swinging, moreso than those in polyamory.

Originally Posted by theladybug View Post
Which leads me to right now. Because he had never been with another girl besides me, I had given him "permission" to be with other girls before at various times, such as when I was out of town on his birthday. He never did it. This weekend, he went out of town with friends to a show. Beforehand, he shaved everywhere, got a haircut.. and we hadn't talked at all about him being with another girl. I talked with his friend the night before they left and jokingly set up ground rules for the weekend "No jail, no stds!".
So, you noticed he was shaving, and haircutting, but you didn't start a conversation about what might happen while he was gone?

Originally Posted by theladybug View Post
Well, apparently he got with some girl there. I suppose I shouldn't feel jealous but I do.
Why shouldn't you? I would have been very angry without conversation before hand, but that's me.

Originally Posted by theladybug View Post
I feel.... nervous. Just like I did when I was finding all those horrible texts on his phone. He answered every question I had about the whole thing though, and we hugged me, and was really concerned about me being angry or upset. And.... I'm not. I think. But I'm feeling nervous.. anxious.. a little jealous but I suppose mostly scared.
How normal is this? What would do in my situation?
Sounds perfectly normal to me. What I do? I'm not entirely sure. Do you mean, now, going forward? Or What would I have done before, during, immediately after?

I'd like to think I'd have had more conversation before hand. It doesn't read like you granted blanket permission for whenever he was out of town.

Now that's it's over, maybe you can think about what would have made it better for you; and ask for that. 'hunny, I'm so glad you had a good time. Next time, could you maybe talk to me before you get with someone else, instead of after? I think I would feel more loved and secure if you could do that for me.' Or whatever it is for you.

Originally Posted by theladybug View Post
Do you think I'm ready for a polyamorous lifestyle?
No idea. But I do not think your feelings mean that you're not ready. Polyamory is not about controlling feelings. Poly people feel jealous, and anxious, and scared, and all the feelings anyone can feel. The key is what you do with them. I like what GalaGirl says all the time, about feelings being like the weather. Wait a bit, they will change.

Sounds like you're committed to his happiness, as well as your own.

Originally Posted by theladybug View Post
I feel like a lot of the innocence and beauty of a triad was ruined by the emotional "cheating" and I don't know if that's something people just past eventually or if I would be dishonest to say I still feel polyamorous.
I'm confused, I thought you said she decided the triad wasn't for her. I can see where you see him as 'cheating' but you didn't say how the other girl was ever a possibility for you. ?

Originally Posted by theladybug View Post
The idea of a girlfriend still seems good, and the idea of us being together and sexual and emotion together seems good, so.... i guess, I just don't know what the problem is?
You might want to search here for 'unicorns' and 'unicorn hunting' Sharing a girlfriend is a different situation than him having a girlfriend and you having a different girlfriend.

Originally Posted by theladybug View Post
Is it because I feel like he wasn't completely forthcoming with me? Is it because I feel left out? Is it because I am possessive or jealous or still hurt from the summer?
Those are all good questions for you to answer. I know I get rather nutted up when I feel left out.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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