I am having a rough time... Thoughts and help appreciated
Hi, My husband and I both agreed before marriage that when the time was right, we would become polyamorous or otherwise non-monogamous. I'm bisexual and have yet to be with a woman (not for lack of trying), so I thought naively that maybe this would initially take the form of a great threesome with a woman we were both attracted to. He's bisexual too, so part of me also hoped for perhaps a nice threesome with another sweet bi-boy. NOPE. So, unfortunately due to my preconceived notions, now that it's happening I feel let down by it all. He would just like to sleep with another girl, more attractive than me.
Let me preface this by saying that I have personally worked through miles and miles of content having to do with being emotionally and physically abused as a child. I may have a long ways to go, though. My reaction to my husband asking to open our relationship was unexpected.
The way it all went down is, he saw my (much younger, very beautiful, unfortunately not my type) coworker one night when he was picking me up from work and immediately expressed his interest in having sex with her. He kept mentioning how beautiful she is and how she's his "type" (I on the other hand, am not his "type") and he would love to practice sex magic with her, his energy and sex drive "came back" etc etc. I reacted badly. He'd been convinced that I would be totally OK and not have any negative emotions because we agreed to this ahead of time, and also (this is true) I intellectually believe that polyamory is a moral and correct way of being. However, at the time, all I could think was that he just wanted to be with someone else prettier than me and "better" than me. I know this is wrong-headed, but it's how I felt. I felt a huge sense of depression and grief and felt sexually and personally inadequate.
Our own sex life has been awesome, but infrequent (2-3x per week) due to the fact that I work full-time plus. We've always had phenomenal sex. However, lately we've not been connecting sexually as much (for example he's a "morning" person whereas I'm more "afternoon delight" and we've both been tired) and he's started having trouble reaching orgasm. That in itself has made me kinda sexually insecure.
We've been (back) together almost five years and married almost two years, but have known each other going on 20 years, and have a 17 year old daughter. There was a separation of 14 years, but we were pulled back together by what seems like some cosmic force, enough that we both agree we are some form of "soulmates", if that particular concept exists. We realized after that that we probably should have been together all that time. We are like the same person in so many ways, and really understand each other like no one else has ever been able to. We are very close and know more about one another and are closer to one another than any previous partner, by the admission of both. These are things he's used to reassure me that we are together no matter what, and pursuing sex with other people won't break our relationship down.
However, I can't stop feeling bad. Part of what this has done for me is to kick-start me out of the "funk" I've been in and get me back to exercising and caring for myself in other ways. But, part of me is like "no matter how much I work out, I will never look like her, so what's the point?" Also, my husband has been getting Tantra and Sex Magick books from the library, I suppose in preparation for future sex magick with her or another younger woman. Why not me? I know that my "issues" have been triggered by this and I need to work things out. And I am working things out in my head, or trying to, however this is all going to go.
I'm not entirely convinced that I'm "MONO" because I really believe in polyamory, it's just putting it in to practice that's hurting so much. My husband says that I shouldn't put limits on whom he's with or activities etc otherwise I am not allowing him freedom. I would really like to practice pure love like that with him, how can I do it without feeling bereft? I was hoping that we could start with a threesome but he would really like to have separate lover/s. That hurts me. I could take another lover and have some possible prospects, but I would only do so in order to get my needs met when my husband is preoccupied with someone else. Not because I really "want" to right now, it's not where I'm at.
I know this is somewhat disjointed. Any thoughts are welcome, and ask questions please if needed. Thanks in advance.