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Old 11-05-2012, 05:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,078

Asking for clarification does not make you terrible.

If someone chronically refuses to clarify, do not make excuses for this behavior. Accept that this is the behavior they do right now. Ask them if they plan to change this behavior or not. If they don't plan to change, then I suggest stop dealing with them in the interest of your OWN mental and emotional health.

You are not responsible for their unwillingness to behave like upstanding, forthright, solid, reliable partner to you.

You ARE responsible for YOU and how you choose to behave. Why choose behavior that keeps you in relationship with a person who is not upstanding, forthright, solid partner to you?

Here's how it reads to me when stripped of extra detail:

Last night, my roommates/neighbors threw a party. I planned on going and expressed this to hinge.
  • Hinge asked to bring OSO. (I told him fine and assumed she was coming as his date. I did/did not ask him to clarify if he was indeed bringing OSO to be his "official date" to this event and I was a free agent at this event.)
  • Hinge texted me to ask if he could spend the night. (I told him no.)
  • Hinge was bringing a guy that I've had a crush on for a long time. (I sort of wanted to flirt with Other Guy and ran it by hinge. Hinge got offended that "I would plan to do that."

    When the conflict came up...
    • I did/did not ask him why he was offended.
    • I did/did not tell him I thought his official date was the OSO who was coming.
    • I did /did not remind him that he did/did not clearly ask ME to be his official date at this function.
    • I did/did not ask him if he does/does not assume he is entitled to my time and attention whenever he wants it without formally asking me out.
    • I did/did not tell him I expect to be formally asked out so I am clear as my role at events.
      • Am I the official date and just with him at this function?
      • Or am I a free agent at this event to be with whoever I please.
    • He gives me/does not give me honest feedback when I do/do not seek clear communication in the interest of tending my OWN emotional balance and well being.
    • I do/do not expect him to treat me with formal good manners when asking me out to prevent crazy in baby polyship. I have/have not let him know this.
    • I do/do not own my OWN emotional baggage only. Not extra from other people.
    • I did / did not let him own his own upset that he made with his lack of communication clarity and his own assumptions.

This quote is an assumption/not an assumption of mine:

So my conclusion is that he's feeling insecure in our relationship and to get into a close friendship or relationship now would probably just make him withdraw (that's what he does when he's upset) and that I would lose him a lot to his OSO. Puts me in a weird situation, though.
because I did/did not ask him directly whether he is feeling secure in our relationship.

Am I chronically having to assume things with him and having to own his emotional baggage because he will not clearly articulate where he stands with me on things? Yes or no?

Does that make me feel weird? Yes/no.

Is he willing to own his own emotional baggage forthrightly? yes/no

Am I willing to keep on receiving this sort of treatment? yes/no

Is this the treatment I most want in my relationship? yes/no

Are you communicating clearly to him? Is he communicating clearly to you?

I invite you to read this list and see if anything else rings a bell. I am not saying you are being abused. I would not wish it on anyone. I am saying I'm sniffing some very weird control tactics there. Where he likes HIS options wide open but wants YOUR options closed.

Take an honest look and think about it. I am hoping I am wrong. But if not? Keep it real over there. Do not ostrich.

You have an controlling dude on your hands -- whether it stems from a place of "mean" or a place of "insecure?" Doesn't matter.
  • "Mean" doesn't make you a good, solid, reliable romantic partner.
  • "Insecure" doesn't make you a good, solid, reliable romantic partner.

What character traits do YOU want in a good, solid, reliable romantic partner? Does this guy meet your standard?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-05-2012 at 06:40 PM.
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