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Old 11-05-2012, 05:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BraverySeeker View Post
But if I think there are unresolved issues between me and the GF, why wouldn't her husband feel the need to hash out ground rules with my wife? I've been semi-sympathetic to his plight all along, but I've also been propagandized by the ladies into seeing him as little more than a condescending and vengeful prick. He may well be that, but at some point the GF chose him and stayed with him for some 20 years. All the same, I'm not eager to deal with him directly or see my wife have to.
Because he's not in relationship with your wife! Why would either of you expect to approach and lay down rules for your wives' girlfriends to follow? They have their own relationship, you have yours, he has his.

You manage your marriage and set boundaries for yourself and your wife. He does the same for his marriage and his wife. These boundaries should apply whether your wife is involved with this woman or someone else. If your wife can have a relationship with someone and respect the boundaries she and you agreed to, great. If his wife can have a relationship with someone and respect the boundaries she agreed to with him, great.

Is it that you think it everything has to be managed as a group? Not unless you're all living together communally. But I would say you are all a very lo-o-o-ong way from that! I hope you do not intend to let the gf move in with you and your wife, as that will present a whole new set of problems and you are obviously not ready for something that! It's generally advised to wait at least a year before a secondary partner moves in and becomes part of a household.

You can only benefit from being very cautious. And perhaps it is quite reasonable to ask your wife to take a break from being with this woman (who, as I said, doesn't seem to be totally honest or very trustworthy IMHO) while you devote yourselves to therapy (whether with this therapist or another) and addressing issues.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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