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Old 11-05-2012, 04:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by irina View Post
Thanks for the replies!
You're welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by irina View Post
I agree that it's not his job to make me happy -- that's not really my intention. I'm just wondering if there's any support that I CAN ask for, and what that is.
Okay, well we can't tell you what to ask him for. What is it that you want? What sort of ideas come to your mind when you think about this? Throw them out here and we can respond with constructive ways to formulate your requests.

Quote:
Originally Posted by irina View Post
In terms of scheduling in advance, he's made it pretty clear that he's not into that . . . He also says we have to ask in advance, and doesn't ask us to do anything.
Well then, he's a hypocrite or just totally confused and not sure what he wants. Or maybe he's on an ego trip and gets off on two women fighting for his time. It also sounds like, since he is simultaneously stating that he is against making plans in advance yet expects you and she to request his time in advance, that he is shirking a major part of responsibility for his part in his friendships/relationships. People who care about their friends let their friends know when they want to see them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by irina View Post
I am really afraid to express my needs because whenever I do his SO gets upset, because her needs are pretty opposite seeming from mine.
Why is she even privy to what you ask him for? Your conversations between you and him are private and shouldn't be shared with her, especially if it starts a shitstorm. And why should her needs even factor into your needs? Now, if it's just that when he chooses to be with you she gets upset about it, how is that your problem? Answer: it's not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by irina View Post
He's only willing to commit to certain nights of the week, like Mondays, where we could only spend a few hours together (he is only free after 8, and I usually need to go to bed at about 10). If there are events, he's not willing to commit, and that's one big issue -- feeling comfortable going to events.
Quote:
Originally Posted by irina View Post
The other big issue is just feeling unwanted. He also says we have to ask in advance, and doesn't ask us to do anything. So it's a matter of who asks for time first. It just makes me not want to ask for time unless it's really important to me, because I feel like he might commit to something with me when the other girl wants to be with him and I don't want that to happen. And it feels really shitty to have to ask your friend to hang out with you all the time...
Well, hmmm... first of all, to me, it seems he is just being so totally hands-off and not proactive at all that the dynamic has been narrowed down to being you and her duking it out to get his attention. Secondly, though, there isn't anything wrong with a general first-come-first-served way of handling multiple relationships. It is a sort of "relationship triage" in which a person responds to whomever asks first or needs them the most. I just think he could be handling that approach a little better by being more proactive himself. When a person engages in multiple relationships, it is up to that person to manage his relationship with each of them as well as he can. He needs to make the effort - it isn't up to each of his paramours to take care of the other.

But what I find glaring about this last bit I quoted is what seems like your sense of feeling undeserving of asking for his time and attention if she also wants his time and attention. You are so afraid of her getting upset, even if it means you are upset -- what's that about?

I also think it would behoove you to look at why and how things changed for you after he told you he thought you were dating. It seems that you were fine with things they way they were up until then. Does this perspective suddenly make you feel like there are more expectations you should place on him? Why can't you go back to the way things were, and if you want to spend time with him just ask. I also think you may want to consider dating other people yourself so you are not so focused on him.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-05-2012 at 04:37 PM.
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