All the stories have in common my feeling like I don't want her thinking she's more important than me. I wondered if this was a feeling other people have had. It's that I don't want her thinking she's special to him, to be completely honest. And this is me digging into the darkest, most embarrassing parts of myself to admit this.
Shining a light in dark corners is part of growth. I have my "oh, so very human" moments that are cringey.
Is anything here helpful to you? Are you doing all of page 5? Does he do page 6?
You really cannot control what she thinks. What's that desire to control her thoughts speaking to?
You worried about being "less than" is a theme -- what does that speak to?
Accept this is personal suckage -- shining a light in dark corners. But we all have those corners. And you own both the light and the dark.
I don't know if this helps... but "Namaste" could mean something like "The Light in me sees the Light in you." A recognition, a salute. A salutation.
I was struggling this summer with shining light in dark corners of my own and DH summed it all up in that way he does. I love him for this.
He listened to my cringey, nodded and told me "Ok. So you are human. Guess what? The Dark in me sees the Dark in you. Namaste. I salute your Darkness in the name of Light."
I stared at him mouth agape and then I started to laugh and I felt uplifted, validated, reassured, loved, and all kinds of others emotions bubbling up.
"Great. We have "Namaste" and "Namaste, dammit!" now." I joked.
I knew I was being only human and that it was ok. I guess what I was struggling with was "I need to be SEEN! See me!" and articulating the need to be validated as such. I am human, I have those human moments. There!
I just didn't know I needed that until I got it from him and I felt better hearing him say it to me.
This weekend we passed a car and he started to laugh and nudged me. "Look inside." And I peeked in the car window and a bumper sticker on the glove compartment read "Namaste, bitches!" and I grinned. I don't know why the car owner liked it, but I know why DH and I were amused!
So in case that is your
need right now...
I see you.
I see you.
I see you.
Namaste. Light and Dark, Dark and Light.
The human condition is a trip!