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Old 11-05-2012, 12:51 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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SHORT VERSION:

In general - my advice is still the same. Air it out, sort yourselves.

YOU can only control your own behavior. How you feel about how you behaved -- that only happens after the behavior. So if you don't like how you feel right now? Could consider choosing to change your behavior by speaking up and getting clear with him on what it is you relationship you have here and where you wants, needs, and limits are. Ask where his wants, needs, and limits are at. And hers too. Talk in TRIO and see if TRIO is willing to be in polyship V and HOW to do that well.

Since you do not feel happy HERE in vague -- could change your behavior. See if you feel better or not after the change.

GG
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LONG VERSION:

Maybe you don't know HOW to talk in DUO then talk TRIO because you haven't finished talking to YOURSELF inside yet to ID all issues? I'll try to help but don't stop going in your process. Keep sorting YOU first!

Quote:
I'm just wondering if there's any support that I CAN ask for, and what that is.
You can know and state your wants, needs, and limits. In fact, it is your responsibility. Nobody can mind reader you. YOU control your mouth and what comes out of it when you communicate. So you can state and ask ANYTHING you want! Mere asking does not mean you get a guaranteed fulfillment of those wants, needs and limits. But the first step in communicating is to voice all that out so it is known.

What his SO feels is not your deal. So long as you are being respectful, there is nothing wrong with you communicating your own wants, needs, and limits in your relationship.

She is allowed to feel whatever she feels just as you are allowed to feel whatever you feel and he can feel whatever he feels.

Quote:
I am really afraid to express my needs because whenever I do his SO gets upset, because her needs are pretty opposite seeming from mine.
So what? How are you being disrespectful? Is it reasonable for you to know and state your wants, needs, and limits? YES. Everyone is allowed to have those.

How do you even know she is upset? Does she tell you direct? "I am upset you have your own wants, needs and limits in your relationship with the Shared Sweetie!"

Does he tell you inappropriate things like a "leaky hinge?" Where's the TMI wall at in this polyship?

Could part of the problem HOW you make your things known?
Do you state your things to him in calm, clear, non-pressuring, respectful of this time manner? Something like
"I would like to see X movie that is out with you if you are willing. Are you willing? If so, would you like to see it with me perhaps on Friday? Is another day better for you?"
Then he can just say yes or no and jiggle the calendar date around til you find the fit.

That's a different HOW style than saying

"I want to see a movie with you. You keep seeing movies with her. How come I never get to? She's such a movie hog! How come she always gets Fridays? Wah!"
I exaggerate on purpose to make a point. Is your communication style clear, assertive and respectful of his time and the fact he has another Sweetie?
Is the problem HOW he presents the fact that he's busy already to the OSO?
If so, that's on him as a hinge problem. NOT you. If she's mad at you, I'd check out if he's a "blame shifting hinge" when he talks to her.

It is one thing to say to her

"I'm sorry. I have plans on that date already. How about on ____ instead?"
and
"I can't do that with you on friday because my other GF is making me go see a movie that day."
Or could part of the problem him laying emotional baggage at YOUR door inappropriately?
Him saying things like...
"I know I promised to go to the movies with you on Friday already. But I would like to make a change. Can we move it to ....? Would you be willing to release me from my promise?"
is one thing.

It is another thing to go

"She's having a cow so I'm breaking my promise to you. Deal with it."
Again, I exaggerate. But how is her having a cow your problem? It isn't. Your problem is him breaking promises to YOU. The fact that it is because he is unwilling to deal with her having a cow-ness is a separate issue that belongs just to him.
Conflict resolution does not have to be scary.

It does not have to mean automatic all out war. All conflict means is people who do not agree. That where conflict resolution skills step in to try to find the happy medium. This skill muscle gets stronger with exercise. It is possible to use logical conflict resolution skills.

Conflict is opportunity for growth and understanding. You still may not agree, but you could learn something about where the other guy is coming from. Is that a horrible thing? Understanding your polyship people better?

Then you have more information to make help you make decisions about your OWN behavior.

Quote:
In terms of scheduling in advance, he's made it pretty clear that he's not into that. He's only willing to commit to certain nights of the week, like Mondays, where we could only spend a few hours together (he is only free after 8, and I usually need to go to bed at about 10).
That is a current time/schedule limit with him then. He has done his job. He's made it known.

You next step there is deciding if you want to accommodate to this limit and live with it for now so you can be with him.

Is this a soft limit? Or a hard limit on his time? If soft, you might be willing to put up with it for a short while. If hard, maybe you are not. Where is your willingness?

Because if you prefer something else you can always choose NOT to be with him because this is a limit you cannot deal with. Or you could choose to stay with him and his time limit but see others too. Because YOUR time doesn't have that limit. You are in charge of YOU.

Quote:
If there are events, he's not willing to commit, and that's one big issue -- feeling comfortable going to events.
I do not know what this means. What makes this an issue? Like there's some event you really want to share with him but it is not on "your night" of the week -- he's not willing to go? Is that what that means?

If so, that is a limit of his. You could ask him to renegotiate. But if he's not willing, he is not willing. Then you have to examine your own willingness to accept this or not and to what degree.

Quote:
The other big issue is just feeling unwanted. He also says we have to ask in advance, and doesn't ask us to do anything. So it's a matter of who asks for time first.
He sounds like maybe he loves to have the women "fighting" over him.

Or he's a lazy hinge not committed to continuing to court his ladies now that he's got them.

Or he's a lazy hinge not doing his part keeping a healthy trio by being good about his calendar management so he spends his time well balanced across his own alone time/resting time, his time with you/his time with her. He is not creating an environment of goodwill if he's letting this "competition for my time" thing go on.

Quote:
It just makes me not want to ask for time unless it's really important to me, because I feel like he might commit to something with me when the other girl wants to be with him and I don't want that to happen.
You seem to worry a lot about her feelings. Why?

Can't she be allowed to own her own feelings? She owns her emotional baggage, you hold yours, he holds his? If she's acting out and spilling her baggage all over everyone over you asking him on a date, it's his job as the hinge to tell her to take a chill because she is spilling on to one of his loved ones and that's a line with him. Isn't it a line with him? Why not?

Is he doing his hinge job well or not?

Again, you merely having wants, needs and limits is not a horrible thing. Everyone had those! And you wanting to articulate them -- that is your responsibility. People cannot mind reader you. So play ball already -- why aren't they playing ball with you? You seem to want to. Wassup with that?

You can only control YOUR behavior. You could always choose to walk away if what time/effort he has to offer you simply isn't enough time/effort given to nurture and sustain a healthy relationship in for you at the level you want it at.

You could choose to get clear on what sort of relationship you have NOW since you never bothered to define it well when it was just you 2.
  • If this now is a "V" thing -- define it.
  • If this is NOT a "V" thing, dial it down to just friends with him. Break up any romantic relationship you have there -- even if it was undeclared before.

Basically my advice is still the same.
  • Could choose to sort yourself out first. KNOW your own wants, needs and limits.
  • Next you could choose to bravely seek clarity for yourself about this relationship and see if you feel better or not. So you talk to him in DUO first. Is he even willing to still be with you while he sees her? If not, no point in talking in trio is there? If he is, he can know you are willing, and then he talks to her to see if she is willing, and he sets up a date to talk in trio. You can give him 3 dates you are good with just to get the ball rolling.
  • Then you all talk in trio to come to agreements for how to run this "V" polyship what the trio wants & needs and where the trio limits and expectations are at.
There.

Or you could choose to not to do any of that because you are not yet willing.

Feelings ensue after behavior. Change the behavior or not -- that's up to you.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-05-2012 at 01:37 AM.
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