So my wife and I had our first session with the poly friendly therapist. I'm not sure how I feel about how it went. I sure was under the microscope. Was told that I was "a beautiful man" but one who may not be as OK with everything as he thinks/wants to be.
I challenged the therapist a few times, even questioning the evolutionary psychology stuff she was throwing out about men being wired with jealousy to preserve their paternal claims, which the authors of Sex at Dawn quite effectively call BS (which maybe I ought not to have mentioned in so many alphabetical letters). Althought I was trying to answer her questions thoughtfully and fully, nearly breaking down with tears at one point, she said she felt like she was "pulling teeth," told me to "bring it" with my questions about the process before she asked flat out, "Why are you in therapy if you think you've already answered these questions?"
I've never had therapy but push and pull like this, especially at the first session, is to be expected, right? She's looking to break me down, and while I expect and welcome that, I would prefer to have more say over the pace.
Among other things, the therapist extracted from me opposition to my wife spending nights sleeping with the GF and not me. Not that that was difficult to extract.
The GF left our house as scheduled, after spending five nights in the guest room, with my wife for one of them. Now this weekend the GF is moving back into her house with her husband and teen sons to at least see if the family can be kept intact. She reportedly doesn't have high hopes but doesn't want to one day regret not trying.
I expect that the other husband will welcome that but will also want her to stop dating my wife. Having just spent much of the past week uncomfortable and anxiety ridden in my own house when the GF was in it, I'm in so morose and pessimistic a mood at the moment I'm in danger of asking for the same. I just had an argument with my wife, in fact, about how the therapist may be right that I'm not OK with all this. It was really an argument about she and I not talking (or making love) in the few days since our therapy session.
I told her, like a whiny little bitch, how I see her "making time" for the GF while our time together only diminishes. Plans for a date night fell through for lack of a sitter, and her suggestion we watch a movie after the kids go to bed is unappealing, knowing she'll be asleep before the end of the opening credits.
All I'm saying is the GF is not the only one who needs to get her shit together.
They dynamics are about to change, I suspect. With the GF giving her marriage another go. She's apparently less sure that will work out than she is convinced her relationship with my wife will stand the test of time. I, however, have not heard directly what her intentions may be. She has not proven able to communicate with me about these issues, so I've had to rely on my wife as the messenger.
How do metamours best learn to communicate and tolerate one another? I expect I can trust this woman, I just increasingly feel she and I need to be able to talk frankly and work through some issues about our expectations.
That will likely need to wait until she and her husband can work on their marriage together and through joint therapy, which they've apparently agreed to do. No doubt she'll try to get him to accept her ongoing relationship with my wife, although the nature of that may need to change, too. Addressing my needs will drop down to a third tier of priorities for the GF, which is fine with me.
But if I think there are unresolved issues between me and the GF, why wouldn't her husband feel the need to hash out ground rules with my wife? I've been semi-sympathetic to his plight all along, but I've also been propagandized by the ladies into seeing him as little more than a condescending and vengeful prick. He may well be that, but at some point the GF chose him and stayed with him for some 20 years. All the same, I'm not eager to deal with him directly or see my wife have to.
This poly stuff is complicated. I'm starting to understand the attraction of emotionally detached swinging, although that's not my/our bag. I'd call it a "cluster fuck," but that sounds a lot more fun than what's actually happening.
Last edited by BraverySeeker; 11-04-2012 at 04:18 PM.