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Old 11-04-2012, 03:14 AM
dante8198 dante8198 is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 7
Default Need some advice please.

Bear with me, this may be a long one.

1. Happily married for 10 year. Swingers for 5 of that.
2. Met a single female that I hit it off with and have fallen in love with
3. Still love my wife more and more every day.
4. Discussed the poly lifestyle with my wife. She said no way, I would just have to suppress those feelings.
5. Feelings have grown and now its hard to have both relationships going.
6. At a cross roads. May lose one or the other and losing either of them makes me feel like I am going to puke. (please see last paragraph)

I am in need of some advice on what to do. I am being torn apart inside trying to figure it out on my own.

A little intro. I am happily married for almost 10 years to my wife Sara. She was my best friend in high school. I am a very giving guy. Never ask for much. Almost always give up my needs to please my partners needs. We have been into the swinging lifestyle for 5 years. We have a very strong relationship. Very open minded with lots and lots of communication. Thats the only way it works. In that 5 years I have made some close female friends, both single women and married women. My best friends have always been females. Most have moved on or left the lifestyle ... save one, we will call her Kim. Thats where things get a little complicated.

About a year and a half ago we met Kim through the car show scene, which I am a part of, so her and I pretty much hit it off right away. Pretty shortly after we started playing both as a 3 some and I played solo with her too. Kim and I became best friends pretty quick and have talked pretty much every day the full year and a half. My wife knows we talk everyday, knows we are best friends and knows we play solo from time to time. I don't hide any of that from her.

About a year ago I started to realize that I was having a lot of the same feelings for her as I did for my wife. I didn't know what was going on, but it just felt right. At the time I just kinda ignored it. It has grown to much more now though. I know Kim feels the same too because we have actually talked about it. We didn't try and stop those feelings. Just let them grow and played within the rules that Sara and I had set for swing lifestyle.

I realized and admitted to myself earlier this year that I love this woman and have talked to Kim about this too. She too feels the same. The part that had me going nuts was that I hadn't lost any of my feelings for my wife. I started doing some research earlier this year on the poly lifestyle and it just clicked with me. It just felt right and kinda explained a lot of what I have felt for a very long time. Like way back into my high school days.

A couple months ago I was having a conversation with my wife after SHE had recorded the married and dating shows off of showtime and was watching them. This was after my research into the lifestyle and while I was trying to figure out how to bring it up with her. I took the opportunity to talk to her and it didn't go so well. She really wasn't on the same page as I was on this one. I told her that it felt right for me and that I really think its how I am. She was hurt and didn't understand how I could love anyone but her. Didn't tell her that I had feelings for Kim, just that I felt like I could. The conversation ended in her saying I would just have to suppress this poly feeling and she just wasn't ever going to be into it.

Since that conversation it has been a little weird. She was friends with Kim, but has pulled away and sometimes gets a little jealous of me spending time with Kim. She has never once told me I couldn't talk to her or see her, but finds ways to intervene from time to time. I have had to cancel plans with Kim more than I would like and that has made it very hard on Kim and I. Things are fine with my wife and I but I have had to re assure her a few times when she thought I was pulling away. Have done real good showing her that nothing has changed though. She has said that herself. I have also felt a little bit of anger/resentment that I have to suppress these feelings.

This weekend we had a big car show in Vegas where Kim and I were together solo for a few days and had plans to spend Halloween night together then my wife was going to join us the next day. Well she decided to surprise us a day early and pretty much ruined our plans. Had some other preexisting plans for Thursday that Sara knew about and was invited to but said she didn't want to go. After the event was over she made a scene and left me with little other options than to follow her to smooth over what was simply me eating dinner with a couple hundred of my friends where Kim happened to be too. This was kind of a straw that has broken Kims back. She was very upset and ended up leaving Vegas early because she couldn't stand to have another night of fun with me ruined like that.

So here is where the advice is needed.

At this point I am at a cross roads. Kim is ok with the poly lifestyle but Sara isn't. The thought of loosing either of these women in my life makes me sick to my stomach. My relationship with Kim is worth fighting for. I feel like my only options are to either go to my wife and talk about the poly lifestyle again or to just suppress the feelings and hope I can get over the resentment. If I go to my wife and talk to her about the poly lifestyle and tell her about the feelings I am having she will be hurt and I risk losing her. If I don't, I risk losing Kim.

Is there any advice on how I can handle this situation? Do I stick up for my needs this time or just cower away and hope I can keep them buried without it hurting myself doing so?

Thanks in advance.

Last edited by dante8198; 11-04-2012 at 03:19 AM.
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