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Old 11-02-2012, 04:45 AM
jerflan jerflan is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Posts: 7
Default Is this a grey area or an open-affair?

My partner and I are sexually non-monogamous, and partially due to great advice from this forum, I have made wonderful strides combatting my jealousy and accepting that part of our relationship. Recently though, we have been going through a rough patch emotionally. He feels I am not supportive, and I feel he is disconnected. We talk a lot but seem to go in circles and have arrived at this awkward and uncomfortable stasis. That's probably enough detail, but onward to the real issue.

He met a guy on a social networking app and they clicked, started texting, then corresponding a lot, now to the point of it being practically constant between phone and facebook. At first I was very threatened, expressed this, and was told not to worry. I pushed, and got the same result. Finally, in an effort to accept this new "friendship," I told my partner to invite his new friend down for the weekend. I figured if I met him, I'd be much less suspicious. It sparked a huge argument/discussion where I found my fears weren't completely irrational. He had feelings for this person. The guy came down, was very friendly and promised he was not trying to come between us. I didn't feel better. I sense this connection between them and it's killing me with jealousy and sadness.

Let me digress. I understand we may not last forever, and I can accept if that's sooner than later, but among the many things we've promised each other, he promised to never leave me for someone else. Now I feel like this exactly what's going on. I want to respect his privacy, but if I come around when he's talking with this guy, he shuts his computer or phone off. It's off-putting. I want to be accepting, but I can only deal with so much. I want to trust my boyfriend, but I can't ignore what my instincts are telling me. He says he wants me to "fight for him." I don't know what he means for that. I thought 3 years together meant I didn't have to compete for his affection against someone else. If we have problems, I'm all for hashing them out, but this is too much for me.

I told him directly that if he and this guy were really meant to be together, then I'd prefer to end our relationship and not stand in the way of that, rather than be hurt later. I need advice for how to deal with this. I've suggested that I move out and we have a trial separation and he was very much against that. I don't want him to give up his friendship with this guy, but not at the expense of our relationship.

I want to be flexible, but exploring this has led me to the idea that people have their limits as far as poly-amory goes.

Any constructive advice is welcome.

Thank you!
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