Originally Posted by Anneintherain
I just started reading your blog last night, and wanted to wait until I was finished until I commented. I'm not clear on if Chimpmunk has her own room? I really get the feeling she doesn't. To me it seems like many of the issues are from you not having your own space anymore. From being forced to share a bed with somebody you want to date, but are not dating. Spending most of your social time out as a triad, or as BFFs, when you aren't the first and still too raw over it to be the latter. I can't even imagine coming home from work and not being able to go in my own bedroom because I want to be considerate. In my case I'd probably knock on the door and say I'm home, and then let them come out whenever they were done, but if I didn't I'd be getting increasingly frustrated (and getting mad at myself for not acting) the longer I waited patiently, and I think in your case, this might be why you ended up mad at Airyn?
Yes we all share one room, and I may not have clearly stated that before. This is the biggest part of what is making things difficult. Like I told Airyn (actually just now) What I want is for her to have her own room. I have said that I do not like not
having a space that is mine. It is something we all have to work with. Chipmunk is also wanting her own space. We are doing what we can with what we have. It's just hard. When this lease is up we will be looking to rent a house. I have been avoiding buy a house here as I really want to move north, but since we've lived here like 9 years now It's probably silly of me not to just buy a place. I still don't want to buy anything though. *shrug*
Yes some of my anger at Airyn may have been my waiting. Not all of it is from that. It's a series of events that started with our instant messaging dwindling, and Airyn not saying "good night" when he's no longer at the key board, and then messaging Chipmunk before we are out of bed and getting dress. Then telling me he's staying up late, and not checking for messages before going to sleep. Especially after my saying I'd be on shortly, and him saying he was still up in the kitchen. 10 mins is not very long, and even just checking before closing his eyes for the night would have been nice. I've talked to him about his "disappearing" when we are messaging online. or how he'll send me a message, and I'll start talking to him, and not hear from him again the rest of the night. It would seem that unless I get angry, or make a BIG deal out of these things, he doesn't see that it's an issue he should do anything about.
It's really not even that big of deal. If we didn't have the dynamic to start with, or if he had never bother to give me some indication that he was going to sleep I'd think nothing of it, and would have handled the whole thing differently. Basically this is an issue that we created together, Airyn and I. He felt that he had often left me hanging before Chipmunk moved in, and feels that he has informed me he's done for the night since. I explained that it's completely reversed. Sure there were nights that I was left hanging before, and sure he has told me he was done at least once. The problem is that being left hanging should still be very rare, and not the majority.
Originally Posted by Anneintherain
It seems like the three of you are seriously deep in each others pockets, reading through what you have to say, it sounds like each of you could use some more private time in your dyads, Chimpmunk make herself scarce a couple nights a week (regularly scheduled), you and Airyn make a couple nights a week scheduled where Chipmunk isn't joining you in that day or in bed at all, even to sleep. You getting the bedroom to yourself at least one night while Airyn and Chipmunk are elsewhere. All this togetherness just seems suffocating, and it seems to be taking a big toll on you. Of course you haven't really stated this, so I may just be projecting, but I wonder if because you had one boundary and it was broken, you just gave up trying to have any others for yourself?
Yes we are very much in each others space. We each feel it differently. Airyn is the most OK with it, I'm the most unhappy with it.
Boundaries: The one boundary that I had didn't get set till after Chipmunk moved in, the boundaries that I want are not workable in our current living arrangements. These are things that I have started talking with Airyn about, and I have a planned outing with Chipmunk tomorrow to discuss a few things. For one thing she needs to start thinking about what she wants in her relationship with Airyn. As far as his time/attention go. Then she will have to consider how viable her wants are, and what she will be comfortable with if she can't actually get everything. as in she will have to decide what are wants and what are needs. She will also have to find a comfortable way to talk about her needs with me and Airyn. Once Chipmunk has these figured out we can talk about how to make her needs work with my needs, and talk about the possibility of getting the wants. It really depends on what she feels she wants versus needs.
Say she wants Marriage: that is not currently on the table, but in a few years (after Wolf is an adult) then this "want" can be considered.
Say she wants and entire week of just her and Airyn: that isn't off the table, but may be very difficult. Something that we could only make happen once every couple months.
I'm very open/willing to seriously consider everything she and Airyn want in their relationship. So long as they seriously consider my want/needs in my relationship with Airyn.
Originally Posted by Anneintherain
So if she doesn't have her own space, Id suggest you get her to be friends with the sofa sometimes, and first decide in your head what you want to do about housing, make up your mind, THEN have that discussion with Airyn about if you're all moving into a bigger place, or if you want your house back just to yourself and Airyn or to move to a bigger place with just Airyn (and I'd factor in the fact that you want to date too at some point here, and so to me the third option would be what I'd go for) where you had an extra bedroom where just him and Chipmunk could be, or for you and your gf (or hopefully someday bf?) to use, so both you and Airyn still have a private bedroom for just you two to retreat to and sleep in.
Ok, thank you for writing your story, I hope blogging is helping put your thoughts in order!
lol @ the couch comment. Chipmunk spent half the night on the floor. I didn't like that, and neither did Airyn. We have a "she is our guest" mentality when it comes to that sort of thing.
Besides we don't actually have a couch, the last one got thrown away when Either Airyn or I got sick of it. We live in a more Japanese style, think cushions on the floor. At one time I had a tatami room, but Wolf's cats destroyed the mats. Very sad. I plan to have a tatami room again, but not till we get a bigger place.
I can see moving Chipmunk into her own place making my life easier, but I do not want to build resentment. And I don't hate Chipmunk I just don't really want to have to see her everyday RIGHT NOW. Airyn knows and gets how I feel, but I don't think Chipmunk truly understands. Like I was telling Opalescent, Chipmunk is kinda clinging to a relationship that doesn't exist for me right now. Maybe once I have churned through all my angst over my failure (ok maybe not "my failure" but that is how I am currently feeling) with my first girlfriend things will be different. I'm trying not to project any expectations for the future.
I believe that a larger place where Chipmunk has her own room, and she and I can have space that is separate will work for us just fine. It's getting to that place that is difficult.
And yes blogging has helped me in a lot of ways. For one I'm calmer in general. My last unhappy conversation with Airyn was more me being angry with him, and less of me getting all emotional and crying. I even pointed this out to Airyn telling him that things are better in many ways. Airyn says he would rather me be pissed and angry then emotional and in tears, if he has to choose one or the other.