John has texted me this afternoon that I'm his top priority. He says that it's been so hard for him to say that because he thought I'd just turn around and tell him to break up with Sarah, even though I've told him that woulnd't be the case. He says he's still not comfortable telling me what's going on in his relationship with Sarah (they're both purposefully keeping me in the dark these days), but that he won't let an outside force split us up. He believes he can be a committed and loving partner to me even with Sarah in our lives.
So, that is definitely something. I no longer feel like my whole world is ending. Just him saying that we are a priority to him makes such a difference to me. But it also shows me that he's still not confiding in me 100% (which is its own problem), but that's something we work on over time, hopefully during the break which will last 2 months.
Breathing has commenced.
Meanwhile there's the friendship with Sarah. She hasn't really talked with me since I made it clear the break is happening. So I reached out to her and asked - what's up, John says you're mad at me, can you tell me why?
Sarah said she's angry with me for enforcing a break on November 4th. I asked her if she knew why a break was necessary. When she said she didn't, I explained why (which you guys all probably know by now, but I'll list for any newcomers).
1.) Her husband Mike has made it clear that he absolutely needs a romantic relationship with John to end. So Sarah may not be in the picture for John in the long run if she doesn't divorce Mike.
2.) John has been confiding and depending on Sarah more than he is on me, and for our marriage to continue that can't continue to be the case. I don't want our marriage to end, and he doesn't want our marriage to end.
So for both reasons, he needs a break to distance himself from Sarah, who he says he's become dependant on, and develop a support system that doesn't revolve around her, as well as to heal the damage that our relationship has experienced over the past several months.
Instead of addressing those fairly sound reasons, Sarah then jumped to saying she's mad at me for pulling the rug out from under John - support-wise - without putting something else in place first to compensate for her absense, as if he's is a helpless child.
And mind you, the November 4th date was something they had come up with, before they backed out of it without consulting me at all. On Saturday (a week before Nov 4th) when John told me they decided to back out of it, I said - oh no, it's happening or we're getting a divorce, so get a support structure in place right now. He made it clear to me that who he confides in and when is his decision to make, and I completely agree.
I listened to Sarah, told her that her feelings are real and that I hear her and she's important to me, and I said to her - John's an adult, and he's in charge of his own decisions as to whom he wants to confide in. I've suggested to him that he get a therapist for just himself (not our couples therapist), and/or confide in a friend or his brother. But those are his choices to make, not mine. I can't force him into therapy. So, she is saying she's mad at me for something that's outside of my control.
And even though I've expressed that to her, she doesn't really want to acknowledge or accept it. She just wants to be mad at me for taking John from her for a limited period of time in order to save our marriage.
So I guess I've lost my best friend, at least for now. Maybe eventually she'll come around. If she continues to resent me for trying to keep my marriage from ending, I really don't see it working out in the long term with her as a metamour.
I sometimes feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. Sometimes I just want to take John and Sarah by the shoulders and say - snap out of it! You can't be a team against me, that withholds information from me and resents me for my most basic needs, and expect to continue to have a romantic relationship with each other without ending our marriage. Wake the fuck up!!!
They have the power to make this work (as long as Sarah decides her marriage with Mike isn't worth saving, or she somehow convinces Mike that he doesn't really have the needs he openly says he does). And they have the power to make this fail.
It's not an easy situation, or a pain free one, but it sure as hell isn't complicated.
Last edited by Lydia1; 11-02-2012 at 12:08 AM.