Well, he has been gone for almost a week and I am not doing so well. I come back and read this thread daily and consider it from multiple perspectives. I get very angry and do not want to talk with him for fear of my wrath spilling over onto him.
If I am unhappy I need to talk to him about it in a considerate thought out manner. I am so hurt and upset though that I find fits of anger not easy to restrain and seek to avoid contact for the most part. We had an impactful conversation when he left, but my fears/hurt/concern is that nothing is going to happen further from that conversation. He said to me during our discussion if I could not take it anymore that he "would do whatever I wanted" just tell him what that is. He also wants to break it off slowly with her after he returns. I cannot deny him that but at the same time, why is he in LA building a relationship with someone that he is falling in love with just to break up with her in theory? She is demanding of his time and emotions as well, which indicates to me more of a desire for a deeper connection than just fucking. I know that is jealous-speak but I feel it honest to also state the truth of observation.
In my opinion I -have- made it clear where I am. Why can't he just do what's right? I feel angered that he wants me to tell him what to do. Why is that responsibility solely on me? If I have expressed this is too much for me and it is hurting us, is that not enough?
He is still in LA with the girl. I am at a loss of even how to negotiate around not being rage-ful towards him. Every morning I write our a letter to him from scratch explaining how I feel and what I am thinking. The deal I make with myself is that if I still feel like it is a reasonable email to send by the end of the day I will. So far I have not sent one of those emails. I have even considered sending him the link to this post.
I have unfortunately let a couple of my texts through in anger. I am not proud of that either. They are not abusive but they do resound with hurt. I do not call him every name in the book either. I think what I feel is a lot more extreme then what I permit myself to say out loud.
I'm not sure even what to say now. My work performance sucks I'm not fully functional and well i'm at a loss of what to do. Additionally, what do I do/how do we fix this mess when he gets back? Am I being unreasonable?
Thank you. Its lots of questions and i'm a tired one.