Advice for a bad situation?
I made some bad assumptions when I got into my current sort-of-quad over a year ago. I assumed that some of the insecurities, jealous outbursts, and rigid limits that happened early on were nerves. That I needed to be patient while everyone got to know each other and establish some trust because new relationships can be destabilizing and feel like a threat - that I was okay with - but hasn't turned out to be reality.
I have since been coming to the realization that my metamour and I are never going to have a comfortable relationship with each other. With shared partners, that's just not a stable configuration for me. I could handle one or the other of my partners seeing her, but both of them doing so makes it too difficult.
My OSO and I tried spending time together, and it was... unpleasant, to put it gently. I ended that after many months of trying when she got physical in an unprovoked jealous outburst, which was followed by weeks of drama all around.
We've tried avoiding each other, and the ensuing restrictions aren't working for me. I can only really conduct my relationship with my secondary when four peoples' schedules match and/or I essentially have to intentionally exclude someone I care about on a regular basis. I feel terrible about it every time I have to make that choice, the logistics are stressful, and restricts available time for dates too much for my needs.
As far as I can tell, my options distilled all the way down to the basics are:
1. Keep being unhappy.
2. Ask my primary partner to end his other relationship, becoming forever the "jealous" or "hypocritical" villain and probably meaning I lose my secondary partner in the aftermath.
3. Break off a good long-term relationship with my secondary, whom I love, for no other reason than that 1 & 2 seem like worse options.
I've been around for both of my current partners having other serious relationships and casual dates and it's never been this difficult with anyone else.
Has anyone been through this? Any advice? If there are other options I'm not thinking of, I'd love to hear them, because I don't like any of mine. And I admit that I'm half trying to convince myself to make a drastic change that's going to be really painful, and really unfair, for my own sanity.