Originally Posted by Dirtclustit
I can completely relate to your story, as it *almost* sounds like the other end of what happened to me
I wrote you back in pm Dirtclustit.
I accept the apology AND more importantly-
I COMPLETELY understand how the situation could trigger you if you were in the other position.
One thing I will add here, that wasn't in the PM-because it should be re-stated publicly:
In relationships, it is ABSOLUTELY imperative for each individual to take full responsibility for their choices.
This young lady DID GET HURT.
She got hurt because Maca lied and she chose not to bother taking the time to sit down with anyone else in his life.
HAD SHE MET US in the beginning-his lies would have fallen flat immediately.
*HE WAS WRONG FOR LYING-no excuses.
SHE was stupid for setting herself up in a position where she didn't take advantage of the opportunity to double check the validity of a COMPLETE STRANGERS WORDS.
Neither of those things fall under my responsibilities.
I DID try to communicate with her directly. She refused.
I DO promote within polyamory that all partners meet face to face.
Other people don't.
BUT-my reasons are clear for why I promote that.
We can all HOPE that everyone we meet is a fully healthy, honest, educated adult who will never do any dysfunctional shit to/with us.
BUT WE DON'T LIVE IN THAT REALITY.
I don't choose to pretend that the world is so shiny. I know damn well its not.
In this case, I had a responsibility to offer myself for communication and friendly discourse (which I did).
SHE had a responsibility to access whatever channels she could to verify the circumstances she was making judgments on.
HE had a responsibility to be honest and forthright.
NEITHER of them held up their end of the ball and they both got hurt. Other people got hurt too-but the hurt they suffer is a direct result of their choices.
My hurt is a direct result of my choice to remain married to a man who has terrible communication skills, struggles with introspection, avoids conflict to the point of lying, has severe insecurities and possessiveness issues all of which negatively impact his ability to maintain relationships of any depth.
There are times in life we all "get screwed".
But, most often-those times are DIRECT RESULTS of our OWN choices. If we instead learn to change our choices, we can change the results.
(which is why I am here-so I can learn alternate options and figure out which work best for me)