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Old 11-01-2012, 12:55 AM
mesalenalas mesalenalas is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: east coast, US
Posts: 3
Default Thanks for sharing

Hey everyone--

Thanks much for your insights and experiential knowledge. I'm new to the forum and seeing the replies and getting support from you all is really reassuring, as I don't have much of a real-life community to discuss these questions with at the moment.

It sounds like the theme is that compersion is a good bonus, though not a mandatory requirement of your healthy poly relationships. Compersion being easier around metamours we genuinely like anyway makes sense to me, tho I can also appreciate it just being about seeing my partner happy, regardless of who it's with (assuming that person meets the requirements of being a mature, respectful, caring person). At the moment, my partner's girlfriend *is* someone I genuinely like & could easily be friends with if we lived closer....yet I still feel guarded, not compersion-y, when she comes up or is around. And then I feel bad about that, because he so easily feels excited for me about any respectful, caring, mature person I date.

I feel small and "mean" about not responding to his excitement around her with my own excitement for him/them. I want to be the transcendent poly partner who rises above envy (of their time together; i'm the one who lives far away at the moment), jealousy (of his affection for her-- even tho i feel affection for her too!), and possessiveness ("but *i* want the bigger slice of affection, mine!" says the fearful inner voice).

I realize lack of compersion is not necessarily the same state as what I've just described, which is more negative than indifferent. I usually do just feel neutral about their situation, but then I feel bad about not being excited, which kind of reminds me to feel jealous or something. Not sure how much sense that makes, but in any case, it was helpful for us to read your responses, as it challenges the framework of compersion being the standard/default option and me being the inept one who's bad at a thing everyone else is skipping along merrily doing. At least takes some of the pressure off and gives us some more time and space to consider other dynamics.
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