Originally Posted by ThunderZag
I told her that I expected more out of her than I honestly did Abe. Abe has always been clear that he's not mono and that he never could be, and while yes he broke our rules in not talking to me about it first, I knew it would happen someday. But that I expected her to have the control to say "No, we have to talk to Thunderzag about this first" and she didn't.
First good on you on talking with her directly. I hope she can rebuild a trusting relationship with you, even if only friendship.
I highlighted the quote above because it concerns me. Here's why. I feel you are putting too much of the blame on her. Yes, she should have done better and handled things very differently. No doubt about that.
Abe has clearly indicated he's not mono, yes. He told you he would cheat on you sooner or later. So you were duly warned about that aspect of his personality. But from reading this thread he does not act like someone who is poly - someone who values openness and honesty and doing the hard work of relationships before jumping into bed with someone. He doesn't act like someone trustworthy - the fact that he gave you a clear warning that he is not trustworthy does not make him trustworthy.
Perhaps he can make the transition from cheater to poly. People do with much hard work. But don't make her responsible for his actions which is what you are doing with the quoted statement. As much as you are not responsible for her feelings (referencing some other posts), she is not responsible for him deciding to cheat. She is responsible only for her part in the debacle. He is responsible for his. Yes, she betrayed you. But so did he and it is not her job to get him not to betray you too. All she can do is decide not to betray you herself.
I wish you the best and I hope they can tap into their better selves and become trustworthy people.