Speaking as the third, the "other guy" so to speak, I can tell you based on experience that what J is feeling is very normal. I still feel like this at times. More than I usually admit in fact. I sometimes wonder if Redpepper's husband really has a choice as far as me being involved in "his" life and "his" family. I don't resent this idea, I respect it.
I check in with him pretty regularly, and although he says things are fine, there is always a part of me that thinks he isn't? Why is that? Because I wouldn't be fine. This is a product of me reversing the situation and thinking about it as him. I am projecting. This creates a false sense of understanding in me because there is a huge flaw in my approach; he is different then me. He is not me.
So to move past this I have to put faith in his words and push my own self generated doubt aside.
If Redpepper and him were to split up I would be devastated, I would take it all on and point a finger at myself and say those four words everyone hates to hear "I told you so". (I would add in "fucking" so it would actually be five words LOL. "I fucking told you so".
Is it reasonable to take on all that guilt? No, I would not be the sole factor in their split if it occurred. But convincing myself of that would take a long time. Especially as I seem to love assuming responsibility for most of the shitty stuff that happens to people in my life.
Get them to talk. If J and you are going to have something J is going to have to challenge himself in this area and he will have to find acceptance in your husband's words on some level.
Peace and Love
Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes
Poly Events All Over