Life is still quiet at the moment. I am kind of unsettled about something I can't name, but I guess that is the lingering stress in regard to my seminar papers I need to compose the upcoming weeks. I can't pin down why I am feeling a bit uneasy. It's just in the back of my mind.
In regard to my personal state of mind, I noticed something about me that left me dumbstruck for a moment. It seems as if I have a little crush on my literary studies professor. I can't point to a similar situation back in my personal history where something like that had happened. That's why I found it so strange, when I noticed that my heart was beating at an insane speed when I first saw her again after the summer break and prepared to talk to her about some Puritan picture that she put up for discussion.
Have I ever had something like a crush on one of my teachers? I don't think so, that's really new and in a way exciting for me, because somehow one could regard this as my first crush at all. I never felt nervous about talking to anyone, it was more a “Those are my feelings, what about you?” thing mostly. But there I was, sitting in my seminar, waiting for my turn to speak up and analyze the pictures and feeling that my chest tightened by the thought of finally talking to her again. It got hard to breathe even.
Strange situation for sure and it got even weirder later that evening. I visit two of her seminars and we know each other since 5 semesters, but I haven't been to her courses for a year. We don't know each other that well personally; there has been an excursion in 2010 and I tend to speak up a lot when things are interesting, that's why she knows that I know my stuff. She likes to turn to me when she looks for a different point of view, because we mostly agree that we do not agree on the minor details. It's really fun to discuss topics or themes with her, at least our minds get along great.
It got weird when the last seminar ended and I was getting ready to catch my bus and train, because it was an evening seminar and I can hardly get home after those. Suddenly she came after me and asked: “Is it OK for you if people may notice that we know each other?” … I was like
What the heck does she mean? As I got to hurry I just said “No problem!”, chatted about something seminar related and left, but this little question stuck. I didn't understand what could be problematic about this or what the dimension behind this question could have been.
That was the reason why I decided to write her an email. I was worried that she may have been in trouble with being too personal with her students in general or she may found my behavior (hurrying out the door to get my bus) rude and was unsure if something about our last discussion annoyed me or whatever there could be behind her question. Because I really like her, the email got a bit longer and the reply was long as well. She had been worrying about putting too much pressure on me by expecting me to have knowledge beyond the actual topic at hand because she knows about me from other courses already. I know that she loves to tease people a bit and get them out of their shells and she can be enthusiastic and just carries you along when she is at it. (Great sense of humor and an ironic person by heart in a way, I like that about her
) And she told me that she would have worried about this the whole evening if she didn't speak up as she did. Oh so similar, aren't we?
In the end we decided that we should get together for a coffee some time soon, because we didn't really know each other up to now. It was just an average professor-student relationship, I am quite a private person in all aspects of my life normally. So, we will see. I guess this crush will stay on the theoretical level, but it is nice to feel this sensation.
Sward and Lin were teasing me about it. They just find it interesting and especially Lin smirked about the fact that both of us got worked up by such a minor thing that we were exchanging long mails around 10-11 p.m. in the night.