Ok well my hubby is signed up on here now because these forums are private now, so ... I'm going to start calling him HP. Now back to your regularly scheduled Ramfish insanity.
I freaked out yesterday because J- told me that we could hang out and then I couldn't get a hold of him. I KNEW that he was probably sleeping, but then I started to worry as the afternoon wore on and on and I was becoming convinced that he was avoiding me.
Well he wasn't, he had just forgotten and was, indeed, sleeping all day. When he didn't understand why I was so upset until he realized we were supposed to have plans, apologized, and then we had a long conversation about our relationship.
It pretty much came down to talking about us after I said that this is all very difficult and everything is really complicated. He said "i'm dumb, spell it out for me," so I did. Hon, I'm in love with you, but I'm married. You don't want the kind of relationship I want because I'm married. In addition, being with you has caused me to question my marriage, wonder if I did it for the right reasons, etc. It's all very confusing and extremely frustrating because you don't know how often on campus I want to jump you right in the middle of the student center and kiss you. But I'm married. Everyone we know knows that. Thus, it's very very stressful.
Yes well he knows all this, but he wants to hear me say it so he knows what I'm talking about/what I'm upset about. His feelings on the issue are...that he kinda has a girlfriend, but it's been a little weird and he already knows that it couldn't be a long term thing because of her lifestyle choices. He cares about me a lot, which is why he's talking to me about this. In a lot of ways, we already do have that kind of relationship I want without the label. He really likes me, thinks I'm really cool, but he hates that he's that guy. He hates that he came into my life and that I've fallen for him and that he's caused me to question my marriage. He feels like if he hadn't shown up, HP and I would be fine and nothing would have changed.
He doesn't want to be the rift between me and my husband, because he doesn't feel like it's fair. He says that HP has put in all this time with me, all the effort and love that goes into having a long term relationship and he doesn't like that he's causing that. He wants to step back and get out of the way until HP and I figure things out, but he really enjoys my company, so even though he wants to stand firm I can hear in the way he says it that he doesn't really want to do it.
Meanwhile, he's convinced that HP hates my relationship with J-. He thinks that when we are all together, HP is really jealous and that he's angry when he sees us flirt or kiss or even get intimate. However, when I tell HP that J- thinks this is his reaction, he gets annoyed and asks me if they need to have a conversation. I say yes, but then HP brings up a good point...if J- would even believe him if he told him that he's okay with our relationship.
So...this is where I'm at.
Has anyone else ever had a problem like this? I need to hear from a few people who have done this before...I'm scared of the shitstorm that might be coming someday.