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Old 10-30-2012, 05:40 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
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Originally Posted by BraverySeeker View Post
But two nights ago I asked them to stop acting like I didn't know they have been occasionally locking lips when I was in another room. It was awkward saying so, but I reminded them that no one here was having an affair and the sneaky high schooly stuff was starting to annoy me. I really didn't want to have to start stomping around my own house and clearing my throat before entering a room so they could stop doing what they were doing and pretend they weren't doing it.
How I know this But from the other side. I was so uneasy around my men because I wasn't sure how to behave to not upset someone and don't hurt anyone's feelings. My husband was like you, he didn't wanted us to be on our toes all the time but it was a theme for some weeks/ months nevertheless because we simply needed to find our routine with each other and ease into what felt right or not that good when all spend time with each other.

Originally Posted by BraverySeeker View Post
But it raises a question: Do more experienced poly folk have rules/restrictions regarding one or the other primary partners having another sexual partner overnight at the primaries' house? Our kids are pretty little and clueless now (which could be dangerously naive of me to assume) so my wife and her GF can get away with it being in the downstairs guest bedroom together.
We live together therefore this plays into my answer here but we simply scheduled our nights. That worked well right from the start and we still stick to it. It prevents this 'Uh?! Was that tonight?' moment you mentioned. When you interact on such a close level with each other I guess you won't keep your kids out of it completely. It seems that kids are perfectly alright with the situation at home as long as it's stable and loving. They won't care if you don't. If you want to keep it from the kids, try not to use the house and not live together in the long run And even then they may notice when they grow up.

And regarding the 'getting away' thing: Didn't you say that you do not want them to tiptoe around? This sounds like you expect them to do so around the kids. You should be clearer about your expectations (if you didn't already talk about it with them).

Originally Posted by BraverySeeker View Post
I'm being told that I may be too eager to please and that I may be sacrificing my own emotional well being. That could be true. But because I see their relationship as being a likely long-term thing, I guess I figure that we should all just try to get comfortable with that fact. Of course, we could be working toward that at a slower pace than we are.
Stop being told and stop listening to others. Just ask yourself: Are you feeling OK? If yes: fine! If not, search for the things that make you uncomfortable. I was really worried that my husband may overestimate his possibilities in this new relationship style and jump right in the middle of everything and not be prepared for it. Turned out that he knew well what he could or couldn't do. I learned to trust him, but I really got on his nerves the first few weeks when I constantly doubted his motives and the truth behind his words as I was worrying if he may just say so to please and ease me.

We jumped right in. I wasn't sure that this was the right thing to do, but all of us felt that we needed to. This was alright in the end. If you feel comfortable (besides from the nervous feeling of new-ness that should be there in general) you will be OK. Remember to check in with each other and stay connected during this phase of transition.

Originally Posted by BraverySeeker View Post
As I've told my wife, I think I'm less jealous than missing her in bed with me. Is that a fair distinction?
Totally valid, I would say. I heard the same from my husband in the beginning. Our routine was slowly but steadily changed by this new person in my/our life and we needed to adjust to that.

Good luck with your first session and I think that you are totally right to feel uncomfortable with being pulled into the midst of the divorce. I would speak up about this and tell the GF what you think about it and how it upsets you. You don't have to be part of that if you don't want to, that's her thing to handle. But from my point of view the way she handles it would be of interest to me. Someone closely connected to my family and partner should behave in a way I could agree to. But that is up to discussion and a personal point of view.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Last edited by Phy; 10-30-2012 at 05:47 PM.
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