The GF, who recently separated from her husband, has been staying at our house since Friday. She was here through last night and may be back Wednesday night, after which she'll go back to staying with other friends. She and my wife spent a few hours over the weekend looking for a rental for her.
I was pretty nervous before she came Friday night, concerned about the sleeping arrangements. They were respectful of my squeamishness, opting not to share a bed. But two nights ago I asked them to stop acting like I didn't know they have been occasionally locking lips when I was in another room. It was awkward saying so, but I reminded them that no one here was having an affair and the sneaky high schooly stuff was starting to annoy me. I really didn't want to have to start stomping around my own house and clearing my throat before entering a room so they could stop doing what they were doing and pretend they weren't doing it.
Then yesterday morning I suggested to my wife that the two of them sleep together that night. This giving of "permission," like others I've previously "granted," was made in a post orgasmic state. I find myself soaking in compersion juices at such moments, so I tend to bring up brave and/or reckless ideas, usually to urge my wife to follow her heart and loins.
Honestly, I have grown more comfortable with the two of them together in the house. The GF is a cute, pleasant, sharp and rather shy person (much like my wife on all counts), who comes out of her shell on the rare occasions around me when she's not dwelling on the cratering of her marriage.
I figure the GF won't be in a place of her own for awhile yet, and rather than make them get another hotel room (where they spent their one and only night together so far a couple weeks ago) so why shouldn't they be together now?
But it raises a question: Do more experienced poly folk have rules/restrictions regarding one or the other primary partners having another sexual partner overnight at the primaries' house? Our kids are pretty little and clueless now (which could be dangerously naive of me to assume) so my wife and her GF can get away with it being in the downstairs guest bedroom together.
I'm being told that I may be too eager to please and that I may be sacrificing my own emotional well being. That could be true. But because I see their relationship as being a likely long-term thing, I guess I figure that we should all just try to get comfortable with that fact. Of course, we could be working toward that at a slower pace than we are.
In any case, my wife was noncommital yesterday morning. But when I got home about 9 p.m. last night from a meeting, the two of them were nearly asleep on opposite ends of the couch. Not long thereafter, I said goodnight and went to bed. Not until my wife came upstairs, brushed her teeth, kissed me and said, "See you in the morning," did I know she was spending the night with the GF.
Initially I was PO'd there wasn't a final conversation about it. But I had promoted it and even texted her late the previous morning to reassure her I was OK with them sleeping together in the house that night. Maybe it was better I didn't get much notice that it was really going to happen. Still, I was still up pretty late, reading and unable to sleep.
As I've told my wife, I think I'm less jealous than missing her in bed with me. Is that a fair distinction?
So this morning, everyone pretty much acted like nothing unusual happened. The GF even made breakfast for the kids.
On another front, the estranged other husband called me out of the blue late last week to ask me when my wife and I decided to open our marriage. Truthfully, the thought never occurred to us before my wife and his fell for one another. But although I do not know him, I do know he is understandably distraught by his wife leaving and demonstrably incapable of seeing her years of unhappiness with him as being unrelated to her new love for my wife.
I replied that I didn't think he was asking the right question; that it was probably too late for him to show a willingness to accept the relationship between our wives. The question he should be asking, I said, was not how to open their marriage but how to end their marriage as amicably as possible without scarring their two teenage boys.
I was under the impression that his wife had asked for a divorce. She has said that outcome seems inevitable - but she's said that to my wife, who relayed it to me, but has been much less forthright with him. So it looks like I spoke out of turn. "I guess you know much more than I, because she won't talk to me," he said.
That side of this situation is very unsettling to me, and I hate being pulled into the middle of it. Yes, he should know by now that his wife wants to end their relationship. But until she's unafraid to ask for divorce, he will continue to flail about, assume the separation is temporary, and say he'll try anything to get her back.
On another note, my wife and I are scheduled to see tomorrow morning for the first time a poly- and kink-positive therapist - a woman who told us on the phone that if we're "looking for someone to make us feel bad about what we're doing, then I'm the wrong therapist for you."
I'm a little scared. I'm a little excited. I've never had therapy, so I'm not sure what to expect from this first 90-minute session. Anything that helps keep my wife and I communicating and committed to each other I'm willing to try.
In that way, I'm like the other husband. Only having more success at it.