Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Who is the source of the ugh? From one person? Several people? A teacher? A student? Saying things to you directly in your face? To CC? COuld it be anxiety blowing it out of proportion? What's this business about Peaches being abusive and CC being opportunist coming from? How did that come about?
It'a a specific group of people. I don't think everyone there knows about it, at least for the most part, people continue to respect me and treat me the same, so if they know, they choose not to intrude. There were no questions asked to any of us in the begining. Someone saw me with CC and next thing I knew, this whole tale of how Peaches must be abusive for me to do something like this to him is spreading around. People came to Peaches to let him know what a slut I am. People came to me to "offer support" about my suposed abusive relationship. People came to me to tell me CC isn't a real friend (part of the tale was how he took advantage of my delicate situation with Peaches to try and score some sex). The tale also included how Mom was about to kick me out of the house (my parents live with me and Peaches, they can't financely support and tend a house on their own in their age). So basicaly, people saw something, asked nothing, gave their own interpretation to it and the thing grew to lies of outraging proportions.
Let's not focus on the education I mentioned. Changing training spaces is frowned upon on this particular martial art, but I do agree it's my choice and CC's to to remain there, even with the nonsense moral and this specific nasty group of people (also veteran students), we are not willing to give up our mentors and friends, nor the oportunity of becoming mentors ourseves (which could never come again if we did change training spaces) This whole thing is complicated, and I noticed I find it hard to explain or talk about.
Also maybe it's a good idea to mention I'm not on my best these days. I have borderline personality disorder. Mostly it's under control, but I do have my "bad days" sometimes and I'm aware it clouds my clear judgement a lot. Right now I fell lost on one of the negative spirals, and it's hard to distinguish my own thoughts and feelings from what the disorder makes me think.
For instance, I'm aware that everything I think suicide is the only solution, it's borderline talking. I'm aware that things can be sorted out and that I don't want to die. This doesn't stop me from thinking about it, though.
And I don't know if this constant fear that CC will end this relationship over pretty much anything is something based on facts or just borderline speaking too. I do think he's acting like he'll end this the last few days (I guess I'll know for sure today when I see him), but I can't know if it's my perception of his actions or pure paranoid behavior on my part.
I constanly catch myself thinking how CC deserves better than all this.