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Old 10-29-2012, 07:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,236

That was a bit mixed up and sounded largely like a vent. So I rewrote it like I perceive it in green. Apologies if I misunderstood where that was going. It sounded to me like this:

Issue number one:
Peaches is the established ORE person. I know it is Sure. Solid. Defined. Safe. I take comfort in this.

CC on the other hand is one big mess of "let's see how it goes and deal with it as it comes". It's not BAD that it's like this. I'm just not used to it. I get insecure. I enjoy the NRE, but I do not yet feel sure, solid, defined there.

Suggested solution: Could give it time. Breathe. Relax. Let it be what it will be. You can't make it be instantly ORE. It BECOMES ORE. When anxiety pops up -- remind yourself it BECOMES ORE, and they are all there of their own volition.
Issue 2 - People do notice I'm dating two men.

  • people say things that make my mom cry
  • people say things and it start threatening a job/education oportunity for CC and myself
  • people start accusing Peaches of being an abusive boyfriend, and CC of being an oportunist, my family of being problematic and incapable of "raising me right"

Peaches, CC and Mon don't mind. But this is also taking it's toll on me. I'm just MAD at people going after the ones that I love.

Need more info: Who ARE these people? Random strangers? Cannot control how other people behave.

Or people you interact with -- relatives, friends, coworkers? Since mom, Peaches, and CC are ok with it... don't worry about them or try not to. Worry about what you could do for your OWN self care. If these "people" are not strangers -- tell them how you want to be treated. And if they choose not to treat you that way, break up with them. Dump the fake friends and so on who fill your life with misery where possible. You may not be able to get of them all (ex: a coworker) but you could try to reduce the general "volume of ugh" playing at ya.
Issue 3 - Could be just me being paranoid...
Peaches seem to be ok with just about anything. I know it's supposed to be a good thing. But I really worry that he's compromising so I can go around doing whatever I please. I tried to ask him about his wants and limits. He says I'm overcomplicating it.

Suggested Solution: You asked him. He's had opportunity to articulate. BELIEVE him that he is fine when he says so. Let him own his own emotional baggage. Especially when you are working yourself up over it and he's doing fine. Is your turning yourself into an anxious paranoid GF being the best partner you can be for Peaches? Stop what iffing.

I don't know if anything a How to Get Secure

Issue 4 - Feelings for CC

Miscommunication always leads to major problems with CC. I do not tell him things as openly as I tell Peaches. I hold back because my relationship with CC is not yet stable and I do not like that. (See issue 1). I love him. I am afraid of being in love and keep trying to convince myself that I am not. I am afraid to love when I am not sure of the committment with CC.

I give him _____ reasons to commit to me when I hold back and do not give clear, open communication.

Suggested solution: Open up to CC. Because the NRE brain hormones will wear off in time. Nothing will be there when the NRE wears off and it's time to attachment to kick in if you have not created stronger bonds because you held off in creating emotional intimacy and Sharing Vulernerable. You say you love him and you WANT it to become ORE -- well, start behaving like it already IS ORE so it has a good shot at becoming it. Open up to your partner CC across the board. Not just in body, but in mind, heart, and soul.

If you are not willing to do that and you already stress out from social pressure of dating two men? Could consider cutting him loose then before it goes deeper. Either way could alleviate your stress over this.

Stress is gone because...

1) You opened up to deeper and found there was nothing to fear and created ORE space with CC. NRE Stress relieved.
2) You cut CC loose so he's not around to partner with and you don't have to open up then. NRE Stress relieved.
3) You do some other solution I cannot think of right now. (What could that be?)


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-30-2012 at 12:39 AM.
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