I'm in the emotional rollercoaster right now. I don't really like it, I want out. XD
Poly, as you guys surely know, is hard work. It did seem easy at first, though, let me explain why.
I always, no matter how great my ralationship with a current boyfriend was, found myself falling someone else. And I used to feel the worst of monsters because of that. I was even worse when I was loved back, and had to choose. It seemed impossible to. I always lingered, never actually said "this one." These situations always ended up with someone (or both of them) just getting tired of waiting for me to make a decision and leaving. THAT was the hard I knew.
Sudenly, when Peaches said: You know what, you don't have to choose and it's ok to love someone else, and then CC said: You know what, I'm ok with this and I'll be with you despite knowing Peaches won't leave the picture.
I was just... Can't find the word in English. Dammit. Stuned? Marveled? I don't know, but I was all bright-eyes and smiles. Everything seemed so.freaking.easy. I loved them both. For the first time didn't have to choose. Could have them both. No drama. Yay.
Except that I overlooked the amount of hard work this was going to be. Basically I've been having a few problems. I'd love some advice, or just an insight, you guys are really good on making me see things in perspective.
Issue number one - CC is obviously NOT Peaches.
Before you get to conclussions: I would NEVER expect them to be even similar. They are very different people, I do not want CC to be an extention to Peaches, neither I expect him to act/think like Peaches or our relationship to be just like the one I have with Peaches. I love them both for who they are. That's not what I meant.
What I meant is : Peaches is pretty much the only example of a functioning, serious relationship I have. When we first started dating I was very young, and very insecure. Peaches was the strong one for me. Everything seemed to work out automatically. We met, a week latter he kissed me, two days latter we were in a ralationship and we've been fine since. He was always the one to take the chances. Since two days after he first kissing me, I knew already this was a sure thing for life. Always been like that for us. Sure. Solid. Defined. Safe.
CC on the other hand is one big mess of "let's see how it goes and deal with it as it comes". It's not BAD that it's like this. I'm just not used to it. I get insecure. I feel like anytime this ralationship could just crumble before my eyes and this constant insecurity is taking it's tool on me.
Issue 2 - People do notice I'm dating two men.
I know. "Not their bussiness". Great in theory, and that was my mindset from the start. But when things people say start making my mom cry we have a problem there. When things people say start threatening a job/education oportunity for CC and myself, then we have a problem. When people start acusing Peaches of being an abusive boyfriend, and CC of being an oportunist, my family of being problematic and incapable of "raising me right" and people in general started hurting the ones I love, we have a freaking problem there. I don't even mind then calling me a slut. Whatever. I do tend to over-protect, though, and I'm just MAD at people going after the ones that I love. Peaches, CC and Mon don't mind. But this is also taking it's tool on me.
Issue 3 - Could be just me being paranoid...
...but Peaches seem to be ok with just about anything. I know it's suposed to be a good thing. But I really worry that he's compromising so I can go around doing whatever I please. And I don't want him to. I did comunicate to him I was worried about it. He keeps saying he is speaking his heart, but also always ends the sentence with "your hapiness is all that matters, don't worry about me". But HIS happiness matter to me. I can't help thinking he's not telling me all he feels, and I catch myself avoiding mentioning CC around him. Which is not good at all.
I tried to ask him about his wants and limits. He says I'm overcomplicating it.
Issue 4 - Feelings for CC
I've been alternating between "one of the loves of my life" and "friend with benefits" too fast when I think about CC. Feelings are intense and deep and everytime I'm with him I'm pretty sure I love him. But once we are apart for a few days, I start to question if I really do. I tell myself we're better off as friends (maybe even friends with benefits, but no more), remember some traits of his personality I'm not this crazy about (nothing major though)... Mostly I think I'm afraid of being in love and keep trying to convince myself I'm not. I always knew this ralationship was going to be like this. "It is what it is, it ends if it ends" sort of thing. I don't expect him to commit to being with me. I don't expect Peaches to do that, too. The difference is I know Peaches will.
Being always afraid that anything could destroy my relationship with CC, I'm unconfortable telling things to him as openly as I tell Peaches. And misscomunication always leads to major problems.
And due to this little issues, my life has been jumping from "I'm so happy and my life is perfect" to "please kill me now" in a matter of seconds. I'm lost about how to deal with this and sometimes I just feel like giving the whole thing up.
Edit: sorry, I posted on the wrong board, I think. My bad.