Friday was a friend's b-day party. We went as a family. Maca was "off" the whole time we were there. I could tell something was wrong-but he kept saying he was fine. FINALLY after we were home in bed he played a song that was CLEARLY regarding the 25 year old. I asked what that was about and he said it was from her. I asked if that is what his issue was all evening and he admitted he'd been paranoid she would show up because the restaurant we were at is one she frequents. SIGH.
The next morning we had a coffee date planned. So we got up and headed out. At the corner I asked where he wnated to go (I don't drink coffee). He didn't care. So I drove to my favorite spot. On the way he asked where I was going (totally out of the way) and I told him that I was going to the place I like-because I like it and she doesn't frequent it (like the one he usually goes to) and I wanted to enjoy our date, not worry about her showing up. He agreed that was a good idea.
I told him, calmly, quietly that it hurt my feelings he would lie to me AGAIN at dinner. He said he didn't want to bring her up during the bday party and get me "riled up" emotionally.
I pointed out that by telling me he was fine-when he CLEARLY was not-I was riled up with worry for him anyway and wondering if I did something to upset him.
That I NEED his honesty and while I know that means sometimes hearing what I don't want to hear- honesty is more important to me than hearing good things only.
He shared that he'd been having this paranoia since early Thursday about running into her and that he played the song because he knew I would ask what it was about and he didn't know how to bring it up.
SIGH SIGH SIGH.
I don't know how to make it ANY MORE CLEAR that I just want straight forward, honest communication without the games.
We had a nice coffee-then browsed a local gift shop, went to Lowe's got materials for the bathroom and returned home. He worked on the bathroom while GG and I went to the college to volunteer for the Haunted Halloween.
Last night I had screwed up (not completely unrealistic) dreams about Maca lying to me, the 25 year old fucking with me etc.
They were just dreams.
I woke moody, feeling insecure and on edge.
He invited me to go to coffee. That was nice. We made love and then I got up to take a shower. He said he would wait for me "I prefer to just get up and go get my coffee". (this is generally true).
So, I got in the shower and the dreams meshed with the moment and emotions went into overdrive.
I got defensively frustrated-because it's also true that when he was meeting her for coffee, he did get up, take a shower and make sure he was sexified.
I re-centered my mind on other topics.
We had breakfast instead-it was nice. Then went to Home Depot and got materials to work on the bathroom (remodel).
Came home. I took a break in bed after giving GG an attitude (no reason). Got a handle on myself.
The cycle repeated all day. Fighting the devil of thoughts going round in my head. Very frustrating.
Now-I'm up when I should be asleep because I can't fall asleep. Midterms in the morning.
So-this evening I read Galagirls blog and clicked through links and read those, shared some of it on my personal blog and am still here..... in thought.