ON GENERAL "HAPPY" and "PITFALLS"
Happiness ensues. If you want to know what kind of behavior I've been engaging in that causes happy to ensue?
Having a good time with friends, family, and DH in low key ways.
Day off Thurs with DH while kid was in school. I'm not sure what we did. Probably our fav -- doing nothing in particular. Just got the car fixed and hanging out in each other's company in the day then kid's school party that night.
Friday the kid had off school. We laid low at home but went out to eat and did some shopping. My Abused Friend called and we chatted for an hour after her counseling session. She was needing to talk to get other perspectives.
Saturday was a Halloween party. Chatted up friends while the children ran around. My friend gives an annual Tarot reading and it was fascinating that DH had 9 out of the 15 cards I had. All of mine revolved around things being in balance between two and facing changes well. (Hello, hinge
DH and I shared a private giggle on that perspective. We're not esp "out" though some friends know how things are with us.)
Today was church and kid went to a playdate and we got to lunch date as a couple. Got to pick apart the sermon and enjoy conversation. Came home and he took a snooze while I did some journal writing. Then friend came over to do some homework on my computer and we played some board games after dinner.
All in all? Low key fun. Just the way I like it.
In terms of Engagement work -- we had a lot of just heart to heart talks and what ifs, and covered "Avoid the Pitfalls and Reap the Rewards of Polyamorous Relationships"
for this Friday's article o' the week.
It's a sensible bullet list of things to touch on in conversation. I like how it is arranged to be easily digested/accessible.
Both of us were baffled by section 8 though:
Pitfall 8: failing to get what poly demands of us all
- Romantic involvement with a poly person who is also romantically involved with someone else automatically obligates us to always act in good faith and be mindful of the best interests of all involved.
- Be respectful of other loves place in the life of our mutual love
- Be cooperative and flexible
- Be generous with our partner's time and attention
- Recognizing that what we do that hurts our partner's partners hurts our partner as well
- It's a package deal
- Not about competition. If you feel a strong need to compete or preten that other partner's don't exist, you are definitely on shaky ground.
Jedi player, dude. And while I can appreciate all that in a polyamorous context, I was still shaking my head thinking "What the hell? That is normal in ANY healthy relationship. Monoship, polyship, friendship, siblings, parent-child relationship, coworkers, whatever."
If I were to rewrite it that way for "healthy relationship" it sounds so creepy.
It's like my brain does the fortune cookie game. Only instead of reading the fortune cookie sentence and automatically adding "in bed" to the end of it? (And my fortune cookie today was "Trust your intuition...in bed." Haha.)
It's like reading that rewritten and tacking on "versus being a psycho nutjob" to the end automatically. Check it out:
Pitfall 8: failing to get what being in healthy relationships demands of us all
- Being in healthy relationship with someone who also has healthy relationships with other people automatically obligates us to always act in good faith and be mindful of the best interests of all involved. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
- In healthy relationship, be respectful of other people in your person's life -- other relatives, other friends, romantic partners, coworkers, etc. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
- In healthy relationship, be cooperative and flexible. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
- In healthy relationship, be generous with your person's time and attention. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
- Recognize that what you do/say that hurts your person's people hurts your person too. Don't do that if you want a healthy relationship with your person. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
- It's a package deal -- in healthy relationships you can expect that there are other folks in your person's life besides you. (vs being a psycho nutjob)
- Not about competition. If you feel a strong need to compete or pretend that other people in your person's life do not exist, you are definitely on shaky ground. (Could you be a psycho nutjob?)
Alright. I know I exaggerate.
But dang! What's wrong with people? Don't they think about being in healthy relationship? About remaining in RIGHT relationship with their people?
I just would not have put #1 in the article as "Lack of poly education." I would have made that the #2.
I would have listed "Lack of Basic Personal Relationship Skills" as #1. And that includes relating to YOURSELF.
Emotional maturity and social maturity. You cannot expect to get along well with others without building those maturities up. People will go running for the hills when you show up if you chronically behave like a difficult I-dunno-what.
We are free to choose how we behave. We are NOT free from the consequences of our behavior.