Thread: Soul Searching
View Single Post
  #14  
Old 10-28-2012, 11:03 PM
kboz2112's Avatar
kboz2112 kboz2112 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: St. Louis, MO, USA
Posts: 10
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Let me clarify -- EMOTIONAL intimacy. I was not talking about the body intimacy of sex or the mental intimacy of thoughts and ideas shared. Or spiritual intimacy of laying one's soul bare to another. I meant emotional intimacy.

With the communication issues you guys have? I was wondering how you can possibly create safe emotional space to enjoy emotional intimacy with each other and sharing of FEELINGS. Can you and do you go to your spouse for Shared Vulnerable? Can /does she come to you?
Based on your description, I think we both suck at emotional intimacy. I substitute sex for feelings of adequacy and emotional bonding. Always have. And my wife is simply not good at expressing her emotions. She is not very demonstrative, and keeps a lot of things to herself. I feel like I have had to pull teeth to get her just to talk to me about what is going on in her head and heart with regards to any of this stuff.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If you open, poly brings on a bunch of feelings and emotional management is going to be a big factor. If you don't even communicate well now in monoship, how will that fly in polyship?
Not well. We start marriage counseling tomorrow to help us with this very thing, hopefully.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So it sounds like you would want a primary-secondary style model of open relationship. Is this what she wants?
Yes, we didn't have a label for it, but this is what we've been discussing.



Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If this is a dealbreaker limit for you "Date, but I have to meet them" and she would rather CLOSE than open. Close then.
I am not sure it is an absolute deal breaker. If there is some other way I can be assured that he isn't a total douchebag, that he has decency within him, that he intends no harm to my wife or my marriage and that he has no qualms about being a secondary in a Poly arrangement, then yeah, I don't need to meet him. If I am not satisfied with any other arrangements though and she decides to close everything, I will feel guilty, and worry that she is going to resent me forever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It is not the time. Go back to education and introspection to see WHY she cannot meet this reasonable request.

Is she PROJECTING her insecure/fear stuff at you? Is that why? She worries she can't handle poly well?

Or is this her REFLECTING past experience at you? Because in the past you have not created safe emotional space for her to share emotional talk in?
Honestly, it is probably both. I have had depression in the past, and am overly sensitive sometimes. So that could contribute to it.



Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What insecure is that speaking to?
  • Insecure that you won't agree to Open? (And you do not have to agree. You could prefer to break up if you cannot come to compromise. Then she can pursue polyshipping on her own. Everyone is in charge of their OWN behavior. Everyone is adult.)
  • Insecure that she wants to be Open but doesn't have the personal skills to do it WELL? (What skills? Emotional articulation? Conflict resolution? Jealousy management?)
  • Insecure that she is going to be judged by you? Fearful of dealing with jealousy issues?
  • Insecure that she is ..... (something I cannot guess at? What could it be?)
I pretty much agreed to let her date last night. That was right before we got into it over me having a meeting with her potentials. But, I think it is a combination of all of those factors to varying degrees.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Speaking as a married who is talking about Opening? I expect to bring my dating partner round the house to meet DH. I would expect him to do same. I am entrusting the care and well being of my partner to a stranger. Well, I want them to NOT be a a stranger! Work on building trust has to happen. I can trust someone I don't meet, know, or spend some time with. I don't have to be their best friend or shopping buddy, but I do want to put face to name and get a sense of the person. So I can try to be a polite metamour and be in a harmonious polyship here.
This is exactly where I am coming from as well!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
How is general concern over your wife's well being and the company she keeps a horrible thing? I am not hearing you saying "NO." I am hearing you saying "Go slow, go easy on me, go safe."
Wow, you already hear me better than my wife! (I kid... sort of).


Gala, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to help me through some of my thoughts and feelings on this. You are too awesome!
Reply With Quote